Someone Ugly Loves You (Commandment V)

  

Back in February, I was chatting to this super hot guy.  We had matched on Tinder for the THIRD time, and I was proposing we finally meet for a drink.  And after not responding much to our previous chats, he asked me why I am still single...  That was an odd thing to ask.  I wanted to say “Because hot guys like you are morons!”  But I held that one back. 

Anyway, we got chatting about relationships, and he told me that he's waiting for everything to be "perfect" before he goes into another relationship.  I was shocked.  "Perfect?" I asked... He doubled down on it; he said he didn't want to have any doubts in his mind about whether he should date a particular guy.  Wow.  That's incredible.  I knew my muscles had made me picky, but I've never desired perfection.  Or so I thought… 

As I said before the in the initial introduction to the Problems with Grindr in a big city, is that it makes everyone picky and superficial.   And when gay guys are fungible, there’s very little incentive to give anyone a second chance.  Any miscommunication or physical flaw is instantly fatal. 

In a large city with a large gay scene, the sad truth is, we’re looking for reasons to scratch someone off of our list rather than looking for reasons to keep them around!  That’s not unnatural given the dynamics of lots of options.  The problem is “seeking perfection” and being in a loving relationship do NOT MIX!  They are completely incompatible.  

It is NOT a coincidence that out of all of my relationship, the one that treated me the best was NOT the hottest boyfriend I ever had.  Think about the qualiites you want in a relationship: kind, caring, smart, thoughtful, funny… 

Now think about the last date you had with a super hot guy.  Did he have any of these qualities?  Even one?  

The sad thing is that personality is like a muscle.  If you don’t use it and develop it, it will atrophy.  And once a gay guy discovers he’s hot, his personality is no longer needed to get him dates, so he stops using it.  And because he has so many options, he doesn’t need to treat people nicely to get more dates.  Moreover, I’ve noticed that hot guys usually have ZERO ability to reflect or grow as people – not because they don’t have the capacity to grow, but because they are never in situations that force them to pause and think “Gee.  Maybe I shouldn’t have flaked on that guy.”  Each negative interaction can be erased with the block button, and it’s on to the next. 

But going back to my second commandment of "Being Responsible" I’m forced to ask myself – who am I being that I keep wasting time on all these ass holes. 

If I turned on my Grindr right now, I’ve got numerous messages from guys who aren’t as hot as I think I’m entitled to have.  (Yes, that sounds arrogant but you know you’ve thought it too.  You might not have thought it in such blunt terms,  but that's the effect.)  And many of these guys have read my profile or looked at my Instagran amd tried to strike up a conversation to no avail.   Even as I look at text messages on my phone, for everyone one guy that didn’t text me back, there are five that I’ve dismissed.  Yes, they had a lazy eye, dressed ridiculously, or maybe he spilled red wine on my brand new collared shirt...  But the sad truth is I know I make allowances for hot guys that I don’t give to others. 

And finding a hot guy on Grindr who’s got a good personality and a good heart and is interested in dating me  is about as likely as scientists discovering that unicorn do in fact exist.  In theory, it seems plausible.  Could nature in fact create a horse with a horn?  Yes.  We can in fact question why Mother Nature hasn’t done this already.  I can think of numerous uses a horn could have for a horse, but it’s just not there. 

There are loads of guys out there now who would, in terms of personality, would treat me exactly the way I wanted to be treated, but I won’t let them get close to me.  Why?  Because I’m looking for perfection.  And that brings me to my next commandment, which will probably seem obvious:  

Thou Shalt NOT Seek Perfection!

(I buried it towards the bottom because I feel like my blog is getting a bit too preachy, but this is probably one of the most important commandments to heed.  And considering that I’ve failed at this one so spectacularly, I couldn’t really shout it from the mountain tops from a position of wisdom and experience.  I struggle with this one all the time.) 

So first, get clear on all of the times that you dismissed people because they weren’t perfect.  Think back to the last four or five first dates you had.  Did they all go terribly wrong?  If so, I refer you back to my Second Commandment – what kind of person are you being that you’re letting these weirdos get close to you.  Or were they all just a bit of a “Meh.”  Think back and examine your indifferent attitude, were you making a mountain out of a molehill.  Were you too dismissive? 

Here’s a great way to tell whether you’re seeking perfection.  Think about the last few dates you had.  If you were stuck on a desert island with this guy?  Could you work through whatever issue came up?  Would that issue dissolve in time?  If the answer is yes, then you’re probably looking for perfection and don’t even know it.  If your answer was “If I were on a desert island with this guy, I’d probably kill him and eat him for sustenance”, then yes, you made the right choice in not texting him back.  But the key is to begin to distinguish how you’re looking for perfection and not letting good guys get to you.   

Are you really looking for love?  Or are you looking for a hot shag?  Looking for a hot shag isn’t bad or wrong.  But just get clear on what you’re actually seeking.  The hot guy – more likely than not – isn’t going to have a personality and isn’t going to be capable of meeting your emotional needs.  So in one sense it’s unfair to ask him to be more than what society has asked him to be.  Just begin to get clear on what you’re after, who you’re seeking it from, and the likelihood that you’re going to get the result you want. 

Do you have to date an ugly guy to get love?  Of course not, although I thought the title was catchy.  But we’ve got to understand that your ideal guy emotionally probably isn’t going to look like your ideal guy physically.  If you want to hold out, that’s fine.  But you may be waiting a long time.  If you’re starting to think you might be looking for perfection yet you’re unaware of it, then read my next blog entry, which will be about distinguishing what you NEED from what you WANT… 

The Gay Commandments - #1 Don't Be a Douche

Introduction: Why We Need Moral Conversations! 

I'm not religious.  But there is some value to religion in that it gives human beings a forum to debate morality and/or how we should treat each other.  The problem with gay guys is that because religion has by and large abused us, we have just stopped having these types of conversations.  As a result, we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  In one sense, religion – in its most formal and rigid sense – may have outlived its usefulness.  But there is a risk when we throw out the main vehicle by which humans question our own behavior and morality. 

The risk is that gays might become increasingly amoral.  That’s not to be confused with immoral.  But rather the “I don’t care” attitude perpetuated by Grindr and other apps is making us all very blazay about how we treat each other.  Amoral means without morals.  Immoral means having bad morals.   Quite rightly, we don’t need someone telling us that we’re going to hell for being gay, but maybe we need someone asking to question ourselves and pushing us to grow as human beings and as a community. 

And I've been waiting for years for Lady Gaga, Elton John – or maybe Karen from Will and Grace – to come down from a mountain top and declare that gays have a new set of commandments to which we should all adhere. But alas, it hasn't happened.  So, I'll give it a go... 

Who am I to propose such strong prescriptions for human behavior? Nobody important…  Yes, I’m smart; I’m a lawyer.  I have a background in philosophy and examining how humans behave.  But I’m not ballsy enough to say that God sent me here on a mission.  And I don't have any celebrity status to bolster my claims.

I’m just a normal guy who is out there trying to get people thinking, and if my ideas have merit, then hopefully, people will reflect on them and find what’s applicable to their own lives.  It’s my hope that as I share my ideas, other people may engage in these types of conversations, and people will begin to develop their own intenal code or commandments by which they will live.   So these are my recommendations as to how gay men should live, but feel free to comment, change or adapt them to fit yourself. 

That being said “Gay Recommendations” is no where near as catchy “Gay Commandments. “ So here we go.   I have no idea if I’m going to have 10 Commandments or more.  But as I think and develop the ideas, I’ll drop them on here. 

I.  Thou Shalt Not Be a Douche

This is the most obvious.  Everyone reading this is likely thinking "Well, of course."  And yet, it's the one that is at the greatest risk of being violated as gays are overwhelmed with choice and online manners go out the window.  As people get more and more messages on Grindr and other apps (ie, they're hot and people fancy them), they just give up caring about how they act or how they treat people.  And as there is no consequence to acting like a shit head, people just do. 

Most people reading this can think of one time that they were a douche bag to someone for no reason.  Maybe you were having a bad day.  Maybe you thought the guy messaging you was “not being realistic” in messaging you.   But we’ve all done it.  But in a way, being attractive is a form of power.  And in typical corny geek fashion, I’m going to quote Spider-Man: with great power comes great responsibility. 

You have the power to hurt people.  You have the power to ruin their day or make them sad.  Yes, it’s just Grindr.  And yes, people shouldn’t take it personally.  But you have no idea what the person on the other side of the app is feeling.  You have no idea what they’ve been through or where they are in their own journey of self-acceptance.  Now honestly, do you want to be the type of person who uses their attractiveness to hurt people who took time to try to get to know you? 

By the way, if a bunch of excuses are jumping into your head right now giving you reasons to ignore this advice, then that’s how you KNOW YOU’RE A DOUCHE.  Stop making excuses and start recognizing people’s humanity.  Just because you’re cute

Even if a guy is not your type, you don’t have to be rude and disempower them.  You don’t have to try to “get off” by rejecting them.  Other people are more sensitive than you are.  It may have taken them a lot of effort to get up the confidence to chat to you.

It’s in your own self interest.  You never know when/if you will bump into people who have been rude to you in the real world.  You may have forgotten them, but they won't have forgotten you.  

Personally, I always ignore or block people.   I don’t make them go through the “false hope” of seeing that they’ve received a response from a hot guy only for it to be dashed with a message like “Thanks but you’re not my type.”  Trust me.   That roller coaster of a ride of two seconds sucks.  And let’s be honest, guys who send those message – whether they admit it or not – are secretly getting off on rejecting other people. 

And for God’s sake, do NOT tell them why you don't fancy them.  I'm shocked at how rude gay guys are.  It's bad enough to send someone a message saying "Not interested sorry." But don't tell them off, because they're not pretty enough, or don't have a hot enough body.  And certainly don’t abuse people or put them down because of their race or ethnicity.  This goes without saying, but I’m shocked at how easily people just say horrible things on Grindr and other apps.   

Here’s a hint for whether you’re acting like a douche bag: if you’d be embarrassed for people at work to see what you wrote or for your mom to see what you wrote, you’ve probably already crossed over into douche bag territory!   

It costs nothing to be the bigger person online or to show some grace when you have to let seomone down. 

THINK BEFORE YOU WRITE! 

Will you inevitably have slip ups, get mad, or have moments where you just forget and you say something stupid?  Of course.  But better that you’re working on it and minimizing those mistakes than actively encouraging them day to day. 

**** UPDATE - THE DOUCHE TEST ****  

If someone tells you that you're an ass-hole or a jerk, our first instinct is to give ourselves good reasons for acting like a jerk.  "Well, he was rude first."  Or...  "He doesn't know me."  Sometimes these reasons are good and sometimes these reasons are full of crap.  Here's a really easy way to test whether your behavior was obnoxious.  (Incidentally, no one I've shared this challenge with has ever had the balls to do it.)  

1) Find someone who will talk straight with you.  This might be your mom, your best girl-friend, or someone else, but make sure that it's someone who will be completely honest.  

2) Describe the situation, but REVERSE THE ROLES.  
So if someone said that you acted like a jerk on the first date, rather than telling your friend, "I did X to this guy" switch it up and say "He did X to me."  

3) Observe the reaction and learn about yourself.  If your friend gasps and says "Oh my God, what a shit head" then congratulations, you're a douche bag!  

See simples. 

For example, I once sent a guy flowers.  He never thanked me or acknowledged the gesture.  But he then went onto social media and made fun of me for sending him flowers.  That's a douche bag thing to do.  I gave him this challenge, and of course, he didn't have the balls to do it.  Because he knows that if he went to his girl-friend and said "Hey Janice.  I sent this guy flowers and he made fun of me on Twitter" she would be shocked and curse out this alleged ass-hole...  But if ever you're questioning whether you've behaved badly, this is a great way to test out whether your behavior crossed the line.  

The Tinder Trap

In theory, the Tinder app (or its gay counterpart called 'Surge') could be the answer to all of our problems.  It's clearly more relationship oriented than Grindr.  It gives you more than one photo, and you can link your Instagram account to it—even your favorite song if it’s on Spotify.  You can write more text than you can on Grindr.  And the Tinder app prevents you from sending direct photos to someone, which means it’s impossible to to get cock pics while you’re eating your breakfast.  (Thank God)

Also, for better or for worse, the "matching" function takes out a LOT of the drama that comes from Grindr.  If a guy doesn't fancy you at all, he'll just swipe left.  So, in theory, Tinder leaves you with relationship-oriented guys who clearly fancy you and are open to establishing a genuine connection... 

Darling, you know what I'm about to say...

Match and Ignore!

Who the fuck does this!  Seriously!  I wish I could track some of these people down and just scream, "WHY?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  If you don't fancy me, then fine, but then just swipe left."  And of course, the first few lines of my Tinder profile say exactly this:

Looking for someone who looks at my profile and says "Yeah, I'm up for grabbing a drink with him."  The whole matching/ignoring thing is silly... But if that's your thing, feel free to swipe left.

So I tell people, honestly, openly, I'm not here for your lame-ass swiping to get matches so you get a temporary ego boost.  You're a fucking loser if you have 600 matches and no boyfriend, because that's on YOU! But whatever, if I'm honest, that's only a temporary annoyance.  If a guy never responds to you after matching with you, it's annoying, but whatever...  The bigger problem is when people chat to you, then blank you or flake out. 

Sluts In Disguise

This isn't really a huge issue for me, but it's worth mentioning, that a lot of Grindr sluts move to Tinder, because they like the idea of sleeping with guys who are less slutty.  I guess I can't be too mad at them; they're trying to steer clear of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's kind of funny that they want to act like sluts, but they don't want to do it with other sluts...  That's why I've just started asking people pretty soon in the conversation, "So what are you looking for on here?"

Time Wasters

What's far more frustrating is not just people who ignore you after you've matched them, but people who will chat to you literally for months, but never be up for a drink!  It's crazy!  I'm not saying that this doesn't happen on Gridr.  Time wasters are everywhere, and they're always happy to waste hours of your time with inane chat and giving you false hope that they're interested.  But the issue is far worse on Tinder than Grindr -- at least the slutty guys on Grindr know they want sex.  Rather than attracting people who are long-term relationship oriented, Tinder has just become a never ending cycle of confused over-grown children who don't want anything at all. 

So I chatted with this guy on Tinder, and I asked for his number.  He gave me some lame excuse of he doesn't know me well enough.  I was like, whatever... So a few days after that, I unmatched him.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but he stopped chatting.  Literally yesterday (or a few days since I actually published this blog post), he messaged me on Hornet.  He started asking me all sorts of questions about how have I been, what have I been up to, bla bla bla...  I reminded him that we had chatted on Tinder, and he remembered.  So I asked him, "Are you finally ready to meet for a drink?"  

(You already know what happened...) 

CRICKETS! 

So after wasting my time on Tinder, he was going to endlessly waste my time on Hornet as well?  Really? 

Also... Literally yesterday (which was a Saturday)... I matched a really cute guy who worked in advertising.  We had instant Tinder chemistry, if such a thing exists.  He responded promptly; he asked me lots of questions; he said he was keen to meet up at some point.  We swapped numbers; we were chatting all day.  He said he was just relaxing this weekend.  I asked him, "Well, if you're not doing much tomorrow, maybe we could meet up for a drink if you want to."  (You already know what happened...) 

CRICKETS!  (again) 

I don't know if that was too forward or what.  But we had been chatting loads.  What's wrong with striking while the iron is hot?  Or he could just have said, "I've got plans tomorrow but what about next weekend?"  That takes ten seconds!  But don't chat to me endlessly, agree to meet me for a date, give me your number, add me on Snap Chat, but then disappear when it comes time to make a time to meet.  I asked you to join me at a bar -- not a wedding chapel. 

So yeah... There is no refuge from the hoards of emotionally stunted, confused, time-wasting gays...  It's not just Grindr...  App culture in general has created a serious problem and no one is addressing it.  At least, I'm screaming "WAKE UP!" 

The Problem With Grindr in a Big City

The problems I see with Grindr and other online dating apps are as follows (particularly if you live in a big city like I do): 

Back in the Old Days (As in 4 or 5 Years Ago) 

Let's cast our eyes back in time, readers.  Back to a simpler time.  Back before everyone had a smart phone.  I'm talking early 2012 or maybe mid-2011.  Seems like an eternity, and I'm not even that old...

Back back in the "old days" pre Grindr, if you wanted to meet a potential man (whether he was Mr. Right or Mr. Right now), you had to go out to a gay bar or a club.  (Yes, there were dating sites, but people didn't have camera phones and so you never knew if the photos were reliable.  It was far easier to catfish or trick someone.  And frankly, I don't recall ever meeting a nice guy online, and I don't recall any of my friends getting relationships from them).  

So once you set yourself on a night out in Soho, the Castro, West Hollywood or wherever, you'd be stuck with whoever was in the bar or club that night.  Even on a good night, I would never see more than three or four guys I really liked.  You might -- after a few shots -- get the courage to speak to one or two of them.  And they'd probably shoot you down, although they were always polite to your face. And if you did meet someone nice, you'd hang on to them for at least a month or two.  Even if he wasn't perfect, you'd give him a chance, because the chances of finding someone else good on another night out might be slim.  

Unlimited Choice

But now, we've got hundreds -- if not thousands -- of options on apps.  I don't really think gay guys online are evil and soulless (although I know my complaints make it seem that way); I just think we're all totally overwhelmed.  Some of my mates get 40 or 50 messages a day online.  You can't meaningfully respond to all of them.  So what happens next?  

A.  It Makes You Superficial.  Let's be honest, there is NO way you can show your heart and soul to a guy in the first message.  You just can't do it.  So if you've got 20 guys, and all of them say some version of "Hi. How are you?"  You're going to naturally be inclined to respond to the hottest ones.  But my sister told me one thing that totally turned out to be true: pretty boys make bad boyfriends. 

We're guys.  We respond to people we find attractive.  Yes, that sucks on one level, but it's just how the way things are.  But the apps exacerbate that.  Back in the old days (of four years ago), there were numerous ways to show that you're attractive to a guy you like.  You can read their body language, their confidence level, their ability to hold a conversation, fashion sense, common interests, any number of things.  But NONE of these things can come through in an app -- and they certainly can't come through within the first message or two.  So all you're left with is one simple photo.  That's it.  Your experience and any potential future you might hold with the person comes down to one photo.  

A.  Manners go out the window.  So everyone is judging everyone based off of one photo (or whatever cock pics you might want to send while people are trying to eat their breakfast).  If you're lucky enough to be the type of guy who receives more chats than he starts, then eventually, you just start going with the prettiest one possible.  I'm not saying you're a superficial shady cunt, but unless you're channeling the Buddha inside of you, eventually, superficial behavior will take over, and to everyone else you'll stop caring about their feelings or how the rejection might affect them.  

And if you're like me who sends out more messages than he typically receives, you just start throwing stuff at everyone hoping to get a response.  Back when I was first starting to use Grindr, I'd read everyone's profile carefully and try to find an area of common interest where we could connect.  
Guess how well that worked?  

Crickets!

It NEVER worked.  Never.  So after a while, I just started saying "Hey. How's it going?" to everyone. Eventually, I would just start saying "Hey" or "Hi" if they weret even that cute.  So after a while you just stop caring -- or at least, you try to stop caring.

So everyone begins to develop an "I don't care" attitude.  They're overwhelmed by the app, and they stop caring or thinking with the slightest modicum of respect for other people's feelings: and that's when some really dumb bull-shit will jump off of someone's fingers and onto the screen.

No Consequence for Bad Behavior Online

In life there's always a consequence for acting like a dick head.  If you act like a dick on the job, you'll probably get fired (unless you're the boss -- but even then people under you have a way of getting even: corporate sabotage, taking you to HR, voting against your run for president...  Yeah, don't forget to go vote against Trump!  Anyway... I digress.)  If you act like a dick to your friends, they will shun you.  And I can only speak for me, but if you disrespect me in public, I'm going to throw a drink in your face.  The point is, in the real world, acting like a jerk has consequences.  

But online, there is are no consequences.  There's no Grindr police who will pull you over and give you a citation.  None of your friends can see what you say or do.  And certainly your mama isn't going to -- we hope.  

With a press of a button, you can make anyone go away and you never have to live with the consequence of your hateful behavior.  Don't get me wrong.  Some people just keep messaging cock pics forever unless you block them, so we NEED the block button.  But I am pointing out that one of the risks of such functions means that we are less present to how we leave others, and I'm not sure most gays are aware of this. 

Moreover, you can say things -- abusive things -- that no one in their right mind would say in real life, and there's no check on your behavior.  Some people get away with it, and it's clear that they derive satisfaction from making someone else feel bad.  And some get "reported."  But if Grindr sends you a stern warning, they're not going to send your abusive texts to your HR team at your job -- although sometimes I wish they would.  And if your account gets deactivated, all you have to do is delete the app, reinstall and use a different email address.  So there's no consequence for acting like a jerk.  

The question that nags me is: is the bad online behavior unconsciously making us worse people in the real world?  If you had asked me before 2015, I would have said no, most people can handle the distinction.  But now with Trump's campaign I'm not so sure.  Donald Trump is one giant anonymous comment section on the internet made manifest into a single man.  He's the embodiment of the new app age.  Everyone feels entitled to say whatever stupid thing pops into their head, and there are no consequences for saying dumb shit -- quite the opposite.  Trump sailed through the primary saying crazier and crazier stuff.  He was rewarded for his innate rants.  But to bring it back to gay men, we need to be questioning whether app culture is making us less sensitive to caring about other people and worse boyfriend material.  

Requires No Effort

So I once took a seminar on relationships, and one of the homework assignments was to do something romantic for someone.  That assignment was kind of scary and eery because I was single.  But I realized that in doing the assignment, even in merely attempting to do something romantic for someone else, I got invested in hoping things worked out.  In a weird way, doing something nice for this one guy made me want him more.  I don't know if that's just me, but I'm willing to go on a limb and say my experience isn't unique.  When we put effort into people, we feel invested in them.  But due to Grindr and other apps, it requires no effort to find a potential date or "shag", so you never feel invested in any one person.  And if you're never invested in one person, then you'll never value them or treat them with respect - why would you?  They're just a photo and a few lines of text.  

App culture makes everyone completely fungible and easily replaced.  So if someone can find another guy just like you (and yes, in a large city, he can find someone JUST LIKE YOU), why should he value you or invest in you?   Or...  How do we show guys we like that we're worth investing in?  

Frankly, I wish I had an easy answer for you.  If I did, I'd be married right now rather than blogging about being single.  But I think I'm right to ask you to question how do you value other people when new guys are always easy and available?  What impact does everyone being fungible have on us?  How do we value ourselves?  What's the impact on your life outside of dating?  Again, I don't have an easy answer, but I'm 100% convinced that there is an impact, and on balance, that impact makes it harder to build strong healthy relationships.  

Seeking Perfection

Although this ties into becoming more superficial, it warranted its own discussion.  One of my friends once told me, "I knew I needed to get off of Grindr when I was looking at someone's photo and I thought 'He's hot, but I don't like his nipples.'"  

I've often told myself, "I need to be less superficial."  And then I resolve to be that way, and it lasts for about a week or two.  

Then a hot guy matches me on Tinder and then I find myself jumping for joy!  Part of the problem with online dating is that "perfection" (or at least physical perfection -- or rather someone who is really hot) seems obtainable.  There are always enough hot guys who will chat to you online (or meet you for a drink or a hook up) to give you hope that you can always find someone "better." 

My friends always tell me, "Don't settle."  Well, maybe it's not a matter of settling, but it's a matter of getting my priorities right.  Do I want to be the "plus one" of the hot guy, or do I want someone who loves me and wants to make me happy? I'm still struggling with this one... 

There's nothing wrong with being selective.  And there's nothing wrong with knowing what you definitely want.  But -- and I'm very guilty of this one as well -- we're not really powerfully choosing amazing qualities to find our husband; we're knit-picking over stupid bullshit -- like the size or color of their nipples.  


We're looking for reasons to cross someone off rather than looking for reasons to keep them around!  The high volume of guys makes this second nature, and we don't even realize we're doing it.    So whether we realize it or not, we're probably not making the best choices in our online screening patterns.  

Promiscuous Behavior

I'm hesitant to just slam people for being slutty.  We're all guys; we all have needs.  And I don't judge people for doing drugs, although that's not my thing.  But again, it's like, if you can get a random shag whenever you want, why settle down?  Why commit?  

Being sexually intimate with someone is a way of investing in someone.  
(Some of your are making obscene jokes right now, because I said "invest in someone")  But the point is true.  

So if we're hooking up with anyone and everyone, what value are we assigning to the people we sleep with?  Are we dehumanizing ourselves?  Are we dehumanizing others?  Again, I don't know the right balance.  I'm just asking people to ponder the question.  Is it really that strange that the no one wants to buy the cow when the milk is always for free?  

Here's what I see: I see thousands (if not tens of thousands) of gay guys living in a large city, all shagging like rabbits, but wondering why can't they get a boyfriend or find anything meaningful?  But there are precious few forums to make us question our actions, our thoughts, our priorities, so we all stay trapped in the same cycle of one word messages, dick pics at breakfast and easy shags.  No one is forwarding a conversation on how to change these things.

And certainly these conversations aren't happening on Grindr!  

****  
UPDATE:  
So I tested this theory not too long ago... I went back home to visit my family for three weeks -- which is 2.5 weeks too long when you come from the boring place that I do...  But in that time, I went on a date with a guy.  

You guys he was so AWKWARD and so WEIRD...  Had I been at home, he would have NEVER gotten a second date.  But due to the fact that I was in the middle of nowhere and didn't have my endless options, I was literally "forced by circumstances" to hang out with this guy.  At first, I thought, "Well, he and I can be friends."  And after we got to know each other from hanging out, things changed and we became romantically involved.  I found he -- like myself -- has been hurt a few times and he sometimes acts awkward as a result.  But overall, he had a good heart.  I wouldn't have seen that if I hadn't kept investing time in him anyway.  

Obviously, I had to return home, and I live too far to make long-distance feasible, but I learned a valuable lesson.  Miracles can turn up when you give people a chance.  I'm not saying this guy was my husband or that we'll end up married.  Looking at him through the lens of "big city gay boy", I missed what a great person he was.  It definitely got me present to how quickly I write people off, even when I think that I don't.  But it made me ponder the following question, which I will leave with you:  

If by some twist of fate, you were forced by circumstances to be with one guy -- even if he's not your ideal "type" -- do you think some spark or relationship might develop?  

Another way to think of it is: if you were stuck on a desert island with a guy, could you work things through?  

Now some people you might just have to kill them & eat them, because you just can't stand each other.  But if I was forced by circumstance to work on things with people, I'm probably a lot more compatible with far more people than I realize.