Sunday, October 16, 2016
Someone Ugly Loves You (Commandment V)
Back in February, I was chatting to this super hot guy. We had matched on Tinder for the THIRD time, and I was proposing we finally meet for a drink. And after not responding much to our previous chats, he asked me why I am still single... That was an odd thing to ask. I wanted to say “Because hot guys like you are morons!” But I held that one back.
Anyway, we got chatting about relationships, and he told me that he's waiting for everything to be "perfect" before he goes into another relationship. I was shocked. "Perfect?" I asked... He doubled down on it; he said he didn't want to have any doubts in his mind about whether he should date a particular guy. Wow. That's incredible. I knew my muscles had made me picky, but I've never desired perfection. Or so I thought…
As I said before the in the initial introduction to the Problems with Grindr in a big city, is that it makes everyone picky and superficial. And when gay guys are fungible, there’s very little incentive to give anyone a second chance. Any miscommunication or physical flaw is instantly fatal.
In a large city with a large gay scene, the sad truth is, we’re looking for reasons to scratch someone off of our list rather than looking for reasons to keep them around! That’s not unnatural given the dynamics of lots of options. The problem is “seeking perfection” and being in a loving relationship do NOT MIX! They are completely incompatible.
It is NOT a coincidence that out of all of my relationship, the one that treated me the best was NOT the hottest boyfriend I ever had. Think about the qualiites you want in a relationship: kind, caring, smart, thoughtful, funny…
Now think about the last date you had with a super hot guy. Did he have any of these qualities? Even one?
The sad thing is that personality is like a muscle. If you don’t use it and develop it, it will atrophy. And once a gay guy discovers he’s hot, his personality is no longer needed to get him dates, so he stops using it. And because he has so many options, he doesn’t need to treat people nicely to get more dates. Moreover, I’ve noticed that hot guys usually have ZERO ability to reflect or grow as people – not because they don’t have the capacity to grow, but because they are never in situations that force them to pause and think “Gee. Maybe I shouldn’t have flaked on that guy.” Each negative interaction can be erased with the block button, and it’s on to the next.
But going back to my second commandment of "Being Responsible" I’m forced to ask myself – who am I being that I keep wasting time on all these ass holes.
If I turned on my Grindr right now, I’ve got numerous messages from guys who aren’t as hot as I think I’m entitled to have. (Yes, that sounds arrogant but you know you’ve thought it too. You might not have thought it in such blunt terms, but that's the effect.) And many of these guys have read my profile or looked at my Instagran amd tried to strike up a conversation to no avail. Even as I look at text messages on my phone, for everyone one guy that didn’t text me back, there are five that I’ve dismissed. Yes, they had a lazy eye, dressed ridiculously, or maybe he spilled red wine on my brand new collared shirt... But the sad truth is I know I make allowances for hot guys that I don’t give to others.
And finding a hot guy on Grindr who’s got a good personality and a good heart and is interested in dating me is about as likely as scientists discovering that unicorn do in fact exist. In theory, it seems plausible. Could nature in fact create a horse with a horn? Yes. We can in fact question why Mother Nature hasn’t done this already. I can think of numerous uses a horn could have for a horse, but it’s just not there.
There are loads of guys out there now who would, in terms of personality, would treat me exactly the way I wanted to be treated, but I won’t let them get close to me. Why? Because I’m looking for perfection. And that brings me to my next commandment, which will probably seem obvious:
Thou Shalt NOT Seek Perfection!
(I buried it towards the bottom because I feel like my blog is getting a bit too preachy, but this is probably one of the most important commandments to heed. And considering that I’ve failed at this one so spectacularly, I couldn’t really shout it from the mountain tops from a position of wisdom and experience. I struggle with this one all the time.)
So first, get clear on all of the times that you dismissed people because they weren’t perfect. Think back to the last four or five first dates you had. Did they all go terribly wrong? If so, I refer you back to my Second Commandment – what kind of person are you being that you’re letting these weirdos get close to you. Or were they all just a bit of a “Meh.” Think back and examine your indifferent attitude, were you making a mountain out of a molehill. Were you too dismissive?
Here’s a great way to tell whether you’re seeking perfection. Think about the last few dates you had. If you were stuck on a desert island with this guy? Could you work through whatever issue came up? Would that issue dissolve in time? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably looking for perfection and don’t even know it. If your answer was “If I were on a desert island with this guy, I’d probably kill him and eat him for sustenance”, then yes, you made the right choice in not texting him back. But the key is to begin to distinguish how you’re looking for perfection and not letting good guys get to you.
Are you really looking for love? Or are you looking for a hot shag? Looking for a hot shag isn’t bad or wrong. But just get clear on what you’re actually seeking. The hot guy – more likely than not – isn’t going to have a personality and isn’t going to be capable of meeting your emotional needs. So in one sense it’s unfair to ask him to be more than what society has asked him to be. Just begin to get clear on what you’re after, who you’re seeking it from, and the likelihood that you’re going to get the result you want.
Do you have to date an ugly guy to get love? Of course not, although I thought the title was catchy. But we’ve got to understand that your ideal guy emotionally probably isn’t going to look like your ideal guy physically. If you want to hold out, that’s fine. But you may be waiting a long time. If you’re starting to think you might be looking for perfection yet you’re unaware of it, then read my next blog entry, which will be about distinguishing what you NEED from what you WANT…