Someone Ugly Loves You (Commandment V)

  

Back in February, I was chatting to this super hot guy.  We had matched on Tinder for the THIRD time, and I was proposing we finally meet for a drink.  And after not responding much to our previous chats, he asked me why I am still single...  That was an odd thing to ask.  I wanted to say “Because hot guys like you are morons!”  But I held that one back. 

Anyway, we got chatting about relationships, and he told me that he's waiting for everything to be "perfect" before he goes into another relationship.  I was shocked.  "Perfect?" I asked... He doubled down on it; he said he didn't want to have any doubts in his mind about whether he should date a particular guy.  Wow.  That's incredible.  I knew my muscles had made me picky, but I've never desired perfection.  Or so I thought… 

As I said before the in the initial introduction to the Problems with Grindr in a big city, is that it makes everyone picky and superficial.   And when gay guys are fungible, there’s very little incentive to give anyone a second chance.  Any miscommunication or physical flaw is instantly fatal. 

In a large city with a large gay scene, the sad truth is, we’re looking for reasons to scratch someone off of our list rather than looking for reasons to keep them around!  That’s not unnatural given the dynamics of lots of options.  The problem is “seeking perfection” and being in a loving relationship do NOT MIX!  They are completely incompatible.  

It is NOT a coincidence that out of all of my relationship, the one that treated me the best was NOT the hottest boyfriend I ever had.  Think about the qualiites you want in a relationship: kind, caring, smart, thoughtful, funny… 

Now think about the last date you had with a super hot guy.  Did he have any of these qualities?  Even one?  

The sad thing is that personality is like a muscle.  If you don’t use it and develop it, it will atrophy.  And once a gay guy discovers he’s hot, his personality is no longer needed to get him dates, so he stops using it.  And because he has so many options, he doesn’t need to treat people nicely to get more dates.  Moreover, I’ve noticed that hot guys usually have ZERO ability to reflect or grow as people – not because they don’t have the capacity to grow, but because they are never in situations that force them to pause and think “Gee.  Maybe I shouldn’t have flaked on that guy.”  Each negative interaction can be erased with the block button, and it’s on to the next. 

But going back to my second commandment of "Being Responsible" I’m forced to ask myself – who am I being that I keep wasting time on all these ass holes. 

If I turned on my Grindr right now, I’ve got numerous messages from guys who aren’t as hot as I think I’m entitled to have.  (Yes, that sounds arrogant but you know you’ve thought it too.  You might not have thought it in such blunt terms,  but that's the effect.)  And many of these guys have read my profile or looked at my Instagran amd tried to strike up a conversation to no avail.   Even as I look at text messages on my phone, for everyone one guy that didn’t text me back, there are five that I’ve dismissed.  Yes, they had a lazy eye, dressed ridiculously, or maybe he spilled red wine on my brand new collared shirt...  But the sad truth is I know I make allowances for hot guys that I don’t give to others. 

And finding a hot guy on Grindr who’s got a good personality and a good heart and is interested in dating me  is about as likely as scientists discovering that unicorn do in fact exist.  In theory, it seems plausible.  Could nature in fact create a horse with a horn?  Yes.  We can in fact question why Mother Nature hasn’t done this already.  I can think of numerous uses a horn could have for a horse, but it’s just not there. 

There are loads of guys out there now who would, in terms of personality, would treat me exactly the way I wanted to be treated, but I won’t let them get close to me.  Why?  Because I’m looking for perfection.  And that brings me to my next commandment, which will probably seem obvious:  

Thou Shalt NOT Seek Perfection!

(I buried it towards the bottom because I feel like my blog is getting a bit too preachy, but this is probably one of the most important commandments to heed.  And considering that I’ve failed at this one so spectacularly, I couldn’t really shout it from the mountain tops from a position of wisdom and experience.  I struggle with this one all the time.) 

So first, get clear on all of the times that you dismissed people because they weren’t perfect.  Think back to the last four or five first dates you had.  Did they all go terribly wrong?  If so, I refer you back to my Second Commandment – what kind of person are you being that you’re letting these weirdos get close to you.  Or were they all just a bit of a “Meh.”  Think back and examine your indifferent attitude, were you making a mountain out of a molehill.  Were you too dismissive? 

Here’s a great way to tell whether you’re seeking perfection.  Think about the last few dates you had.  If you were stuck on a desert island with this guy?  Could you work through whatever issue came up?  Would that issue dissolve in time?  If the answer is yes, then you’re probably looking for perfection and don’t even know it.  If your answer was “If I were on a desert island with this guy, I’d probably kill him and eat him for sustenance”, then yes, you made the right choice in not texting him back.  But the key is to begin to distinguish how you’re looking for perfection and not letting good guys get to you.   

Are you really looking for love?  Or are you looking for a hot shag?  Looking for a hot shag isn’t bad or wrong.  But just get clear on what you’re actually seeking.  The hot guy – more likely than not – isn’t going to have a personality and isn’t going to be capable of meeting your emotional needs.  So in one sense it’s unfair to ask him to be more than what society has asked him to be.  Just begin to get clear on what you’re after, who you’re seeking it from, and the likelihood that you’re going to get the result you want. 

Do you have to date an ugly guy to get love?  Of course not, although I thought the title was catchy.  But we’ve got to understand that your ideal guy emotionally probably isn’t going to look like your ideal guy physically.  If you want to hold out, that’s fine.  But you may be waiting a long time.  If you’re starting to think you might be looking for perfection yet you’re unaware of it, then read my next blog entry, which will be about distinguishing what you NEED from what you WANT… 

The Gay Commandments - #1 Don't Be a Douche

Introduction: Why We Need Moral Conversations! 

I'm not religious.  But there is some value to religion in that it gives human beings a forum to debate morality and/or how we should treat each other.  The problem with gay guys is that because religion has by and large abused us, we have just stopped having these types of conversations.  As a result, we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  In one sense, religion – in its most formal and rigid sense – may have outlived its usefulness.  But there is a risk when we throw out the main vehicle by which humans question our own behavior and morality. 

The risk is that gays might become increasingly amoral.  That’s not to be confused with immoral.  But rather the “I don’t care” attitude perpetuated by Grindr and other apps is making us all very blazay about how we treat each other.  Amoral means without morals.  Immoral means having bad morals.   Quite rightly, we don’t need someone telling us that we’re going to hell for being gay, but maybe we need someone asking to question ourselves and pushing us to grow as human beings and as a community. 

And I've been waiting for years for Lady Gaga, Elton John – or maybe Karen from Will and Grace – to come down from a mountain top and declare that gays have a new set of commandments to which we should all adhere. But alas, it hasn't happened.  So, I'll give it a go... 

Who am I to propose such strong prescriptions for human behavior? Nobody important…  Yes, I’m smart; I’m a lawyer.  I have a background in philosophy and examining how humans behave.  But I’m not ballsy enough to say that God sent me here on a mission.  And I don't have any celebrity status to bolster my claims.

I’m just a normal guy who is out there trying to get people thinking, and if my ideas have merit, then hopefully, people will reflect on them and find what’s applicable to their own lives.  It’s my hope that as I share my ideas, other people may engage in these types of conversations, and people will begin to develop their own intenal code or commandments by which they will live.   So these are my recommendations as to how gay men should live, but feel free to comment, change or adapt them to fit yourself. 

That being said “Gay Recommendations” is no where near as catchy “Gay Commandments. “ So here we go.   I have no idea if I’m going to have 10 Commandments or more.  But as I think and develop the ideas, I’ll drop them on here. 

I.  Thou Shalt Not Be a Douche

This is the most obvious.  Everyone reading this is likely thinking "Well, of course."  And yet, it's the one that is at the greatest risk of being violated as gays are overwhelmed with choice and online manners go out the window.  As people get more and more messages on Grindr and other apps (ie, they're hot and people fancy them), they just give up caring about how they act or how they treat people.  And as there is no consequence to acting like a shit head, people just do. 

Most people reading this can think of one time that they were a douche bag to someone for no reason.  Maybe you were having a bad day.  Maybe you thought the guy messaging you was “not being realistic” in messaging you.   But we’ve all done it.  But in a way, being attractive is a form of power.  And in typical corny geek fashion, I’m going to quote Spider-Man: with great power comes great responsibility. 

You have the power to hurt people.  You have the power to ruin their day or make them sad.  Yes, it’s just Grindr.  And yes, people shouldn’t take it personally.  But you have no idea what the person on the other side of the app is feeling.  You have no idea what they’ve been through or where they are in their own journey of self-acceptance.  Now honestly, do you want to be the type of person who uses their attractiveness to hurt people who took time to try to get to know you? 

By the way, if a bunch of excuses are jumping into your head right now giving you reasons to ignore this advice, then that’s how you KNOW YOU’RE A DOUCHE.  Stop making excuses and start recognizing people’s humanity.  Just because you’re cute

Even if a guy is not your type, you don’t have to be rude and disempower them.  You don’t have to try to “get off” by rejecting them.  Other people are more sensitive than you are.  It may have taken them a lot of effort to get up the confidence to chat to you.

It’s in your own self interest.  You never know when/if you will bump into people who have been rude to you in the real world.  You may have forgotten them, but they won't have forgotten you.  

Personally, I always ignore or block people.   I don’t make them go through the “false hope” of seeing that they’ve received a response from a hot guy only for it to be dashed with a message like “Thanks but you’re not my type.”  Trust me.   That roller coaster of a ride of two seconds sucks.  And let’s be honest, guys who send those message – whether they admit it or not – are secretly getting off on rejecting other people. 

And for God’s sake, do NOT tell them why you don't fancy them.  I'm shocked at how rude gay guys are.  It's bad enough to send someone a message saying "Not interested sorry." But don't tell them off, because they're not pretty enough, or don't have a hot enough body.  And certainly don’t abuse people or put them down because of their race or ethnicity.  This goes without saying, but I’m shocked at how easily people just say horrible things on Grindr and other apps.   

Here’s a hint for whether you’re acting like a douche bag: if you’d be embarrassed for people at work to see what you wrote or for your mom to see what you wrote, you’ve probably already crossed over into douche bag territory!   

It costs nothing to be the bigger person online or to show some grace when you have to let seomone down. 

THINK BEFORE YOU WRITE! 

Will you inevitably have slip ups, get mad, or have moments where you just forget and you say something stupid?  Of course.  But better that you’re working on it and minimizing those mistakes than actively encouraging them day to day. 

**** UPDATE - THE DOUCHE TEST ****  

If someone tells you that you're an ass-hole or a jerk, our first instinct is to give ourselves good reasons for acting like a jerk.  "Well, he was rude first."  Or...  "He doesn't know me."  Sometimes these reasons are good and sometimes these reasons are full of crap.  Here's a really easy way to test whether your behavior was obnoxious.  (Incidentally, no one I've shared this challenge with has ever had the balls to do it.)  

1) Find someone who will talk straight with you.  This might be your mom, your best girl-friend, or someone else, but make sure that it's someone who will be completely honest.  

2) Describe the situation, but REVERSE THE ROLES.  
So if someone said that you acted like a jerk on the first date, rather than telling your friend, "I did X to this guy" switch it up and say "He did X to me."  

3) Observe the reaction and learn about yourself.  If your friend gasps and says "Oh my God, what a shit head" then congratulations, you're a douche bag!  

See simples. 

For example, I once sent a guy flowers.  He never thanked me or acknowledged the gesture.  But he then went onto social media and made fun of me for sending him flowers.  That's a douche bag thing to do.  I gave him this challenge, and of course, he didn't have the balls to do it.  Because he knows that if he went to his girl-friend and said "Hey Janice.  I sent this guy flowers and he made fun of me on Twitter" she would be shocked and curse out this alleged ass-hole...  But if ever you're questioning whether you've behaved badly, this is a great way to test out whether your behavior crossed the line.