Do you genuinely enjoy dating Black guys or men of color? Or do you treat men of color like a last resort? Are we a type that you're not keen on connecting with -- but you'll occasionally use us in a pinch? It's probably not surprising to say this attitude is rather common in major gay cities. And weirdly enough, people who have this attitude tend to condemn other "gays that are for more racist than they are" and yet they still end up treating men of color quite badly. But rather than welcoming a conversation that allows men of color to feel safer and more affirmed on Grindr, it's just easier for white guys to point to an even more racist white gay man and say "See there, I'm not as bad as him." But that problem obscures an issue that comes up for me a lot on Grindr -- mediocre white guys trying to use me as their "last choice."
But first, let me give you some context and data from my own experience...
My Experiential Data From Dating
If a white man has dated a Black guy for more than three months, or long enough that he was trying to build a relationship with a Black/BME guy, there’s a 99% chance he won’t flake on the first meeting, and there’s an 80-90% chance that he’ll want a second date.
If a white man has NEVER dated a Black guy, or only used men of color for the occasional shag, there’s a 60% chance he’ll FLAKE on the first date, and there’s less than a 25% chance he’ll want a second date.
Also, if a white man has dated Black guys in the past, he’s extremely open to being friends after its clear that we’re not a match for a long-term relationship.
Conversely, if a white man has never dated Black guys in the past, there’s a 99% chance that he’ll have zero interest in being friends afterwards. (I literally have no friends in this category.)
Also worth noting, in the years since I’ve been keeping track of this. NOT ONCE has a white guy with no history of dating Black guys magically showed up, did something romantic for me, wanted to date me long term or try to be my plutonic friend long term. So this one category has zero long term dating potential.
So the take home point is this: How you have treated other Black guys in the past almost always determines how you will treat me! And if your dating history shows that you tend to use Black guys as a last resort, you're probably not going to be kind to me, so why would I even want to hook up with a guy with that kind of attitude?
Now context is key. Hypothetically, if a guy recently moved from from Latvia to London, my rule of thumb might not apply. I live in Europe, and most of Europe doesn’t have a lot of interracial dating options on account that there aren't that many ethnic minorities. But it’s different in cities like London, Paris or Berlin.
I also accept that this date is from my own limited dating experience, and it’s purely anecdotal – but I do have a doctorate from Harvard, and I already wrote one of the first books on how Grindr affects gay men, so I think I’ve got a bit of credibility on these issues.
So if you’re me (aka a gay bi-racial man)… Of the two groups I just mentioned -- guys who have dated Black guys long term and those that haven't -- which group would you want to interact with (even if you're not looking or anything serious)?
Be honest.
If one group overwhelmingly treats you with some degree of kindness or interest, but then another group overwhelmingly was cold and indifferent, which group would you rather take your chances with? Which grouper is safer investment of your time and energies?
In dating, there's always a strong risk of being hurt. But you can't blame a guy for wanting maximize his chances for happiness. And for me, the choice is painfully obvious! Why should I try to connect with someone who views my race as "last on his list" of dating options.
I already wrote a blog where I spoke about why it’s important for Black queer men to be able to voice these concerns in online spaces without being attacked. It’s key to safe-guarding our mental health -- and to some extent even our physical safety. (See link if you want to read more)
Asking One Question Can Protect My Mental Health
Let's Cut Through the Empty Rhetoric: Your 'White Lies' About Dating BME Guys Have Real Word Impacts.
"But how do I know if I treat Black guys as a last resort?" you might be asking yourself... The answer is simple -- LOOK AT YOUR ACTIONS -- Not what you think is "not racist."
White guys in this category (who don't want to connect with Black guys but use us when they are bored and horny with no one else around) have a very deceptive practice of saying all the right things. But.. their actions never quite line up with their rhetoric. These are the type of white guys who say things like “I haven’t ever dated a Black guy before, but I’m definitely open to it.” “I’ve never dated a Black guy before, but that’s because I come from a small town, and I just haven't met the right one... bla bla bla…”
But again, I have to refer you to the data from above. These types of white guys rarely follow through; they rarely take any initiative to make a date happen. And I'd assert they are very happy for things to fizzle out. A more negative interpretation is that they just lie -- both to themselves and to Black guys: they say “Let me get back to you next week,” and then they never do. In a way, these white guys are the most frustrating people to deal with, because they tell you what you want to hear, but then their actions demonstrate that they have zero interest in connecting with someone who’s not white.
If you now feel uncomfortable, it’s because I’m telling the truth.
Here’s what I would assert about this yucky group. Your actions demonstrate that dating Black guys just isn’t a priority for you. So the words you tell yourselves – and Black guys like me – are just there to make you feel less racist about your dating patterns that might give you cause for concern when scrutinized in an open and honest conversation.
Maybe these guys actively tell themselves, "I would date the [perfect] Black guy if he were to present himself." And then, when the perfectly muscular, hung, rich, younger version of Idris Elba doesn't show up, they shrug and go back to only chasing white guys. Their incorrect view of themselves is protected, and they can go back onto Grindr guilt free.
In one sense, this isn’t surprising.
No one wants to believe, “I mistreat Black men.” Or few would openly admit, “I only want to date white men, but I’ll occasionally shag a Black guy if no better white guy is available.” Those thoughts are possibly racist and definitely callous. So human beings tend to add a fig leaf of good intentions… They say, “I just haven’t connected with the right Black guy yet, but I’m definitely open to it.”
“Oh, yeah, that Harvard lawyer wanted to meet me, I just got busy and never circled back around. But I’m still open to dating other amazing Black guys – I just flaked out on that one. I’ll do better next time.” But when the next one shows up, a similar excuse seems to block the meeting.
Do your actions demonstrate that you're genuinely keen to connect with guys that aren't white?
Often times, while chatting, these types of white guys will openly compliment your looks, your education, your interest in them – ie they will accept you have a laundry list as to why you’re a great dating candidate, but they mysteriously never put any effort in when it comes to arranging a date, and if they do, “they never feel a spark.” Hmmm…. I wonder why that is? [That's me wondering in sarcasm].
When they are sober and have other "things to do," they ignore you. But then they mysteriously get very complimentary when it's midnight, and they're bored, and there's no one else around. That's gross and annoying, and I don't want to deal with that shit.
The term “Busy” comes up quite a lot with these types of whites. And I certainly can't argue that life doesn't get busy. But in my limited experience, this category of white person uses the term "busy" he means two things:
1) “I’ll put you on ice, till there’s a time when no other suitable white men are available, and then I may invite you to a quick NSA experience, then I’ll ignore you afterwards.” -- Another way to say it is -- "I'll let the Negro be my 1AM mistake".
2) "Despite nothing in my dating history suggesting that I’m someone who will want to connect with BME guys, you – the Black guy – have to keep chasing me, despite my disinterested vibe. And because you didn't keep chasing me, our lack of meeting is on you." (This one happens a lot. There's this in-built assumption amongst white men, that Black guys should have to keep chasing and chasing them to get a crumb of attention. And they often melt down when you suggest that this might be because of a racial block or implicit bias issue. I wrote a blog about this:
Are You a Mediocre White Guy Making Black Guys Tap Dance to Get Your Attention
Do either of those options seem appealing for me? Like even if I'm looking for something casual, why would I want to engage with that type of person? But because people aren't very self aware, they exude this attitude, but get very defensive and clutch their pearls if you point out that maybe their previous treatment of you may have been "colored" by their negative racial preferences.
But again, people don't want to look at themselves in an honest way. It's easier to come up with a glib lie. They either say “Oh, I got busy,” and yet you see them on Grindr constantly chasing someone else – presumably a white guy. Or they try to say “I felt the fizzling out was mutual," when it clearly wasn’t.
My take away point is this: What white people tell themselves about how they would treat the "perfect, magical negro" who might show up one day versus how they treat men or color on a regular basis are two very different things. So if you're reading this article, I'm asking you please be honest with yourself -- are you treating black guys like we're your last resort?
Usually, one's actions tell a more revealing truth than easy rhetoric. And if you're a person of color reading this: Always judge white guys by their actions, not their words.
I’m not trying to bust anyone’s balls about this. I’m only trying to protect my mental health, my self esteem and to a certain (lesser) degree, my physical safety. I deserve to be around people who don’t have racial blocks when it comes to dating. I deserve to date people who don’t secretly view me as their last resort. And I shouldn’t have to brow beat it out of you or take a litany of white fragility attacks for just trying to date on the same level playing field that all you white guys get to take for granted. Yes, I'm not asking for special treatment. I want what you get to take for granted: that your skin color doesn't negatively impact your dating life or other encounters.
White people are masters of fiction when it comes to inventing reasons as to why they mistreat men of color. And it’s never about getting to the real truth of the matter. It’s all about conjuring up with a sanitary reason to justify why they treat men of color as “less than.”
But as I watch the Trump Administration destroy America, I do notice some parallels between how his white supporters justify their support of Trump’s racist (and fascist) policies with how some white men justify their treatment of Black men in gay spaces.
And in both cases, they WANT A RACIST OUTCOME, BUT THEY DON’T WANT TO BE CALLED RACIST.
If I’m wrong? Where’s your evidence to the contrary? Show me where you swept a Black guy off his feet and you two lived happily ever after… When have you done this?
Again, in my experience of recent years since I’ve been tracking this stuff, it’s NEVER transpired where a white guy (who has never previously dated Black guys before), meets me and then just is magically transformed by my winning personality and large pectoral muscles. People already know what they want -- and it's usually not someone different.
All I'm asking is that you get clear on how you'll treat men without your societal privilege BEFORE you ask me to hook up or to meet up with you! I just don't want to be lied to or deceived. Is that too much to ask?
But if after all this you're still not clear on whether you treat Black guys as your last resort, here are some things to ask yourself.
Questions to Ask Yourself as a White Man to Assess Whether You Mistreat BME Guys:
*If a Black guy wants to date you, is he safe? Is that a wise use of his time?
*Have you treated other Black guys with kindness in the past?
*Have you ever done something small to make a non-white guy feel special?
*If I spoke to the last three Black guys that asked you out, WHAT WOULD THEY TELL ME ABOUT YOU?
*Have you ever pursued a Black guy before – taken a bit of initiative to make the date happen -- or just made them turn themselves into pretzels to get a crumb of your attention?
*Have you ever forgiven a Black guy for a misstep or miscommunication? This is also huge. Again, people say they'd date a Black guy, but when it's not a priority, they often wait for a slight mis-step to give them the excuse to do what their hearts watned all along (to cancel the Black guy). "See there. You disagreed with me on whether Friends is the best sitcom of all time. I couldn't possibly date you now."
By the way, I have a blog all about that last phenomenon, which you can read here:
If the answer to most or all of these questions is NO, why should I let you into my bed? You're probably toxic, and even an evening with you would be detrimental to my mental health. Why should I believe your open rhetoric if there’s no action to back it up? So why lie and lead me on?
This isn’t rhetorical – TELL ME. I’d like to hear from you. Context is key. People are rude and ghost for a host of different reasons. But again, when the vast majority of people in one category are kind and keen, and the vast majority of people in the other category are dismissive and cold, wouldn't you be asking questions too?
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