Introduction: Why We Need Moral Conversations!
I'm not religious.
But there is some value to religion in that it gives human beings a
forum to debate morality and/or how we should treat each other. The problem with gay guys is that because
religion has by and large abused us, we have just stopped having these types of
conversations. As a result, we’ve thrown
the baby out with the bathwater. In one
sense, religion – in its most formal and rigid sense – may have outlived its
usefulness. But there is a risk when we
throw out the main vehicle by which humans question our own behavior and morality.
The risk is that gays might become increasingly amoral. That’s not to be confused with immoral. But rather the “I don’t care” attitude perpetuated by Grindr and other apps is
making us all very blazay about how we treat each other. Amoral means without morals. Immoral means having bad morals. Quite rightly, we don’t need someone telling
us that we’re going to hell for being gay, but maybe we need someone asking to
question ourselves and pushing us to grow as human beings and as a community.
And I've been waiting for years for Lady Gaga, Elton John –
or maybe Karen from Will and Grace – to come down from a mountain top and
declare that gays have a new set of commandments to which we should all adhere.
But alas, it hasn't happened. So, I'll give it a go...
Who am I to propose such strong prescriptions for human behavior? Nobody important… Yes, I’m smart; I’m a lawyer. I have a background in philosophy and
examining how humans behave. But I’m not
ballsy enough to say that God sent me here on a mission. And I don't have any celebrity status to
bolster my claims.
I’m just a normal guy who is out there trying to get people
thinking, and if my ideas have merit, then hopefully, people will reflect on
them and find what’s applicable to their own lives. It’s my hope that as I share my ideas, other
people may engage in these types of conversations, and people will begin to
develop their own intenal code or commandments by which they will live. So these are my recommendations as to how
gay men should live, but feel free to comment, change or adapt them to fit
yourself.
That being said “Gay Recommendations” is no where near as
catchy “Gay Commandments. “ So here we go.
I have no idea if I’m going to have 10 Commandments or more. But as I think and develop the ideas, I’ll
drop them on here.
I. Thou Shalt
Not Be a Douche
This is the most obvious.
Everyone reading this is likely thinking "Well, of course." And yet, it's the one that is at the greatest
risk of being violated as gays are overwhelmed with choice and online manners
go out the window. As people get more
and more messages on Grindr and other apps (ie, they're hot and people fancy them), they just
give up caring about how they act or how they treat people. And as there is no consequence to acting like
a shit head, people just do.
Most people reading this can think of one time that they
were a douche bag to someone for no reason.
Maybe you were having a bad day.
Maybe you thought the guy messaging you was “not being realistic” in
messaging you. But we’ve all done
it. But in a way, being attractive is a
form of power. And in typical corny geek
fashion, I’m going to quote Spider-Man: with great power comes great
responsibility.
You have the power to hurt people. You have the power to ruin their day or make
them sad. Yes, it’s just Grindr. And yes, people shouldn’t take it
personally. But you have no idea what
the person on the other side of the app is feeling. You have no idea what they’ve been through or
where they are in their own journey of self-acceptance. Now honestly, do you want to be the type of
person who uses their attractiveness to hurt people who took time to try to get
to know you?
By the way, if a bunch of excuses are jumping into your head
right now giving you reasons to ignore this advice, then that’s how you KNOW
YOU’RE A DOUCHE. Stop making excuses and
start recognizing people’s humanity.
Just because you’re cute
Even if a guy is not your type, you don’t have to be rude
and disempower them. You don’t have to
try to “get off” by rejecting them. Other
people are more sensitive than you are.
It may have taken them a lot of effort to get up the confidence to chat
to you.
It’s in your own self interest. You never know when/if you will bump into
people who have been rude to you in the real world. You may have forgotten them, but they won't have forgotten you.
Personally, I always ignore or block people. I don’t make them go through the “false
hope” of seeing that they’ve received a response from a hot guy only for it to
be dashed with a message like “Thanks but you’re not my type.” Trust me. That roller coaster of a ride of two seconds sucks. And let’s be honest, guys who send those
message – whether they admit it or not – are secretly getting off on rejecting
other people.
And for God’s sake, do NOT tell them why you don't fancy
them. I'm shocked at how rude gay guys
are. It's bad enough to send someone a
message saying "Not interested sorry." But don't tell them off,
because they're not pretty enough, or don't have a hot enough body. And certainly don’t abuse people or put them
down because of their race or ethnicity.
This goes without saying, but I’m shocked at how easily people just say
horrible things on Grindr and other apps.
Here’s a hint for whether you’re acting like a douche bag: if you’d be embarrassed for people at work
to see what you wrote or for your mom to see what you wrote, you’ve probably
already crossed over into douche bag territory!
It costs nothing to be the bigger person online or to show
some grace when you have to let seomone down.
THINK BEFORE YOU
WRITE!
Will you inevitably have slip ups, get mad, or have moments
where you just forget and you say something stupid? Of course.
But better that you’re working on it and minimizing those mistakes than
actively encouraging them day to day.
**** UPDATE - THE DOUCHE TEST ****
If someone tells you that you're an ass-hole or a jerk, our first instinct is to give ourselves good reasons for acting like a jerk. "Well, he was rude first." Or... "He doesn't know me." Sometimes these reasons are good and sometimes these reasons are full of crap. Here's a really easy way to test whether your behavior was obnoxious. (Incidentally, no one I've shared this challenge with has ever had the balls to do it.)
1) Find someone who will talk straight with you. This might be your mom, your best girl-friend, or someone else, but make sure that it's someone who will be completely honest.
2) Describe the situation, but REVERSE THE ROLES.
So if someone said that you acted like a jerk on the first date, rather than telling your friend, "I did X to this guy" switch it up and say "He did X to me."
3) Observe the reaction and learn about yourself. If your friend gasps and says "Oh my God, what a shit head" then congratulations, you're a douche bag!
See simples.
For example, I once sent a guy flowers. He never thanked me or acknowledged the gesture. But he then went onto social media and made fun of me for sending him flowers. That's a douche bag thing to do. I gave him this challenge, and of course, he didn't have the balls to do it. Because he knows that if he went to his girl-friend and said "Hey Janice. I sent this guy flowers and he made fun of me on Twitter" she would be shocked and curse out this alleged ass-hole... But if ever you're questioning whether you've behaved badly, this is a great way to test out whether your behavior crossed the line.
