https://attitude.co.uk/tag/andrew-londyn/
And if you'd like to purchase Grindr Survivr, click here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XVHQGDT
As you’re getting ready to leave his house, you don’t say
much. You just put your clothes on and collect your belongings. He hasn’t suggested meeting again, so you
don’t either – why risk getting rejected?
As he closes the door behind you, you walk away feeling slightly
dejected. In theory, you won. The Grindr gods smiled on you. You just
hooked up with a hot guy, but as you walk away alone, that ache in your heart
begins to resurface.
You ask yourself “What was that about? Why did I do that?”
The endorphins that were running through your veins moments ago are quickly
dissipating; they’re replaced by an ever-growing gnawing feeling of
emptiness. Small voices of anxiety
become a din, as you realize you’re no better off than an hour ago.
You try to argue with the voices “I just got a super hot
notch on my belt.” But the empty feeling
is still there; you can’t rationalize it away as you walk alone down the street
in the middle of the night.
You open your phone, hoping it provides you with a
distraction. The guy hasn’t texted, and
you’re too afraid to text him, because it would make you look desperate. And then you see it – the app that got you
there in the first place. That yellow
mask with the black background – or is it a skull? Should you open it? “If the guy sees me online, he’ll think I’m a
slut,” you tell yourself. But then you realize that if he’s not interested in
seeing you again, you might as well find someone who is. You press the button and log on, this time,
hoping that someone who can help you make the incessant void feeling go away –
maybe a hot guy who can appreciate your heart as well as your junk.
No such prince charming has presented himself, but someone
did send you a cock pic. “Hey, at least
it’s a big distraction,” you say to
yourself, smirking.
***
If the above passage resonates with you, you may be a
mindless shag zombie and not even know it.
A mindless shag zombie is the type of guy who just roams the app-sphere
looking for new flesh to consume. They’re
not open to a committed relationship – or they’re certainly not willing to
expend any effort or take any risks. At
one point, this zombie was alive and in love, but he got hurt. Terribly.
And so he vowed to do anything and everything to avoid getting hurt
again, but all he did was just make himself hopelessly cynical and emotionally
unavailable. This is what I call the
vicious cycle of sluttiness and cynicism, which leads to an emotional death of
sorts.
In constantly trying to stay safe, all that’s left is
chasing after the hottest photo you can obtain with minimal effort. But each time you hook up, your feeling of
validation feels less of an achievement and more of simply going through the
motions – literally. And after a while,
that’s all you have: empty motions, which now serve to exacerbate your negative
feelings.
Now I’m not saying that you can’t be sexually
liberated. Sex is a natural part of
life. But all too often, these apps create a structure whereby our community
only caters to its basest instincts with no emotional connection or personal
growth. Some people want relationships;
others don’t, but everyone feels trapped.
And that’s why I wrote Grindr
Survivr: How to Find Happiness in the Age of Hookup Apps.
It’s easy to point the finger at the mean, nasty gays on
these apps, but if we’re truly going to make these apps safer spaces for our
community, you’ve got to start with yourself first. Yes, I’m aware that numerous
gay guys have wronged you in the past, but you’re ultimately responsible for
not becoming an emotional zombie. The
fact is, several amazing guys probably presented themselves, but you were too
emotionally incognizant to appreciate them.
While you can’t control every hot asshole out in cyber
space, you can do some soul searching and stop lying to yourself (and to
others) when it comes to identifying what you’re committed to having in your
life (whether it’s a relationship or not).
You can get new insights into how you might be sabotaging your love
life, and you can live by a higher moral code than what you’ve been doing
previously, not to be self-righteous, but because it’s far more empowering than
doing the same empty motions again and again.
You’ve done that ad nauseam, so it’s time to deal with the empty
feelings rather than just distract them.
As Michelle Visage always says
“Getting filled and being fulfilled are two totally different things.”
Andrew Londyn is a lawyer, PR Consultant, and author of Grindr Surivr:
How to Find Happiness in the Age of Hookup Apps. He can be reached at @grindrsurvivr
