PC DISCLAIMER...
So I’ve noticed an extremely familiar pattern with white men who mistreat black men. Now, I'm not saying that. ALL white men. do it. And I'm not saying that Black men can't do horrible things to white men. But given privileges in society, and how society placates white people - particularly when they are accusing Black men of bad behavior, white men can get away with lying and doing a lot more damage than could an immoral Black Man. Black men do NOT have the societal power to engage in this cycle to the same extent as whites.
In my writing on racism in the gay community, and my previous work with Grindr Survivr, I simply look for patterns that evolve in how gay men react and participate in with regards to their treatment of others. I've noticed anew pattern recently, and it’s scary. It keeps happening over and over and over again, and it’s hurtful. I’m not going to lie, it’s easy to write this blog when I’m angry, because the blog helps me vent my frustrations. But when I’m hurt, like deeply hurt, I feel cynical and a bit defeated. I often feel like I’m screaming in the wind, because I don’t know if anyone is listening to me. I don’t know if anyone will learn the lessons I’m trying to impart on the gay community, but sometimes you just gotta’ say it.
So if you haven’t figured out the theme of my next book: Grinding While Black, it’s an in depth analysis of how white men mistreat people of color. When I was writing my previous book, Grindr Survivr, I had a lot of insights. I was trying to adjust to a world where Grindr was now the predominant form of meeting other queer men, so there was a lot for me to learn. As I write Grinding While Black, I feel super depressed, because it only reinforces what I already suspected – that the gay community has serious racism issues. But moreover, as I write more, I see the issues so much more deeply, and I do often feel very depressed, because if anything, in writing this book, I see the racism issue is much deeper than I ever feared.
But this pattern keeps coming up, and it’s disgusting to me. It’s also deeply hurtful. I’ll elaborate more in my book, but here is the pattern.
1. White Men Lie or Deceive Black Men
Now, I freely admit, gays in general can be mean and catty. There is often tit for tat. Men of all races can be jerks. But I’ve noticed a particular nastiness when white men interact with Black men. There is almost an entitlement mentality or a license where they feel free and at east doing messed up things.
And this point ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, starts with a LIE or DECEIT or act of MANIPULATION that the white man perpetrates on the Black man.
These lies are usually something akin to "Now I'm totally open to dating and marrying you." BUT... In order for me to date/marry you, I need you, the Black man, to do [X] for me.
And PC Disclaimers again... Black Men can lie and be manipulative as well. It's just the other parts of the cycle, a Black man cannot use his race in a society where no one believes him to activate societal rage against the white man.
I'll give you a perfect small example. Years ago, Jean Lloyd, my life. coach, who I adore, tried to hook me up with this guy. In frankness, I don't think either one of us were really that keen to date. This is not bad or wrong. During the Christmas holiday, he became distant. I texted him and asked if he was okay. And he lied. He said he was fine. He said he wanted to continue to date me, and he invited me to spend New Year's Eve with him. Several days before NYE, I asked him openly, "If you are having second thoughts about us dating, then please let me know now, because I'ld like to make other NYE plans. Again, he reiterated how much he wanted to be with me. I later found this to be a lie.
2. White Men Compound the Lie with Deceitful / Immoral Behavior!
Again, I'm not saying that Black people can't do this part too. But white men can get away with doing it more, because they know their societal privilege keeps them insulated.
This can include:
* Using Black Men as Fetish Objects
* Saying things that are absolutely racist and/or disgusting.
* Using Black Men (who have a certain degree of wealth) for their money!
* Picking a Fight Out of Nothing, after a person of color has bent over backwards to be nice to them. (I’ll say more about this in my next blog – the myth that white men are looking for the perfect Negro).
In the example I stated above, I was dating this white guy, let's call him George. He said repeatedly that he wanted to date me, and he invited me out to hang out with him on New Year's Eve. Because he is relatively poor, and I am not, this George asked that I buy him not one, not two, but THREE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE on New Year's Eve. Needless to say, these were not cheap. I thought that was a lot, especially considering the clock hadn't struck midnight yet. But I was trying to be a nice guy to someone who was telling me that he wanted to be my boyfriend.
At 11:45PM, after I've spent well over 100 pounds on the evening, he sits me down and says "I just want to be friends." This was very upsetting, because I literally twice asked him on the phone on previous occasions if he was having second thoughts about dating. He clearly had, but he chose to lie about it. He led me on to believe we had a future, and accepted three bottles of champagne under a false pretense.
I was hurt and devastated. I had been lied to, I had been dumped and tossed aside like garbage, and moreover, my NYE was completely ruined. I felt like a mug, someone who had been taken advantage of and treated without the most basic level of kindness or decency.
To protect your white fragility, I'm not saying that Black Men can't do similarly immoral things to white men. But the next parts, we have a lot harder time doing.
3. The Black Man Responds to this Insult with Anger – Which is Perfectly Normal
One of the greatest burdens that white people put on Black people is the burden that we can never be human. We can never be imperfect, for fear of upsetting white people who might shun us or punish us. This is particularly evident in a business environment. I remember when Deval Patrick was running for Governor of Massachusetts. I went to hear him speak, and he commented on “I know what it’s like to be the only black man in the room. You think I can pound my fist on the table? I always have to speak softly and remain calm no matter what.” It’s the same with dating though.
In the case of the NYE liar, I cursed his ass out. What he did was wrong and immoral. It hurt me deeply and led me on. My grandmother had just died recently, and he knew that. I was vulnerable and needed someone who at least genuniely enjoyed my company. I need love and support - not lies and manipulation. And this guy knew all this. And he didn't give two thoughts about how devestated I would be. He could have waited till a couple days after NYE to break up with me. But to ask me to buy him lads of bottles of champagne, then break up with me 15 minutes to midnight -- like seriously, how was I supposed to react?
He devauled me on every level, except my money. I'm sorry, I wasn't perfect, but I cursed this guy out. What he did was wrong, and I did not hold back. He's a disgusting human being, and I let him know in the most forceful way that I could.
White people treat us like crap and we’re not allowed to get angry about it!
I’m sorry, I can’t always live up to this impossibly perfect standard. In fact, I wear it as a badge of honor. If no one ever protests how white men treat us like garbage, white men won’t learn. In fact, I’m writing this blog and book in order to encourage more people of color to call out white men about how they mistreat Black men. It's too easy for white men to dismiss one Black guy as "angry," but if enough of us start singing from the same hymn sheet, then some white people MIGHT begin to learn and question how they place a tremendous burden on people.
Unfortunately, this is where the racism and societal privilege comes into play. Black Men cannot perpetrate this on White Men...
3. The White Men Uses This Anger in POC to Justify Their Mistreatment (And They Omit Their Lies and Deceit)
White people love to do fucked up shit to black men, and then say, “See there. I knew you were angry and crazy all along. I was right to do or say [insert disgusting behavior].
George went back to all his white friends and told him how the evil angry Negro had told him off. He was just being a cute, sweet innocent young white boy, and then the Angry Negro appeared out of nowhere, frotthing at the mouth and breathing fire. I'm being somewhat hyperbolic here. But the pattern is clear.
White men run to other white people, they scream to high heaven that the black man is "angry," or "bitter" or "has a chip on their shoulder." In some cases, white men try to tell police that these "angry Black men are dangerous," which can end up getting them killed. But in all instances, when white people are engaged in this behavior, they ALWAYS remove the key reasons as to why the Black man is upset. This makes them appear to be perfect little victims, when in fact, THEY ARE THE ABUSERS!
In short, white people abuse us or put us in situations where they deeply hurt us or act immorally, and then they have the audacity to act shocked that the Black men doesn't like this mistreatment or abuse. And if the Black man tells them off, then they'll run and scream that "Crazy Black Men are Coming to Get Them."
But in reality, white people have put Black me in a position where they can abuse us, and we can't even vocalize the pain of their abuse without then opening ourselves up to MORE AUBSE by OTHER WHITE PEOPLE. White people literally do not give us space to grieve or be in pain -- if that pain involves anything that includes calling them out on their immoral behavior. The instant we do, we become the stereotypical "angry negro." And that LITERALLY PUTS OUR LIVES IN DANGER.
4. White Men Then Go Around to Other White Men, They Lie and Play the Victim (When They are the AGGRESSORS)
This part is the most disgusting of all. I’ve seen white men do horrible things to me and my friends, and yet, somehow they can always twist it and pervert it into a situation where they are somehow the victim. No. You did something fucked up to a Black guy! He rightly called you out! And rather than be in communication about it, rather than apologizing about it, the white men use the anger they caused as proof that they are in fact the victims.
I'm a lawyer, so let me try to give you a different analogy. If you recklessly shoot a man in the foot, and he screams in pain, and he then curses you out. You are not within your rights to then shoot him in the head, because he "seemed angry." (Granted in some US states you can totally do this under certain circumstances). But you get the idea. White men can attack Black Men, and run to other white people - whether they be other friends or authority figures like the police, and they will COMPOUND THEIR LIES AND DECEIT by pretending to be the victim when they are the AGGRESSOR. White men do horrible and immoral things, and then run to other whites, conveniently omitting how they manipulated or mistreated the Black man. And these white authority figures are only too happy to believe his side completely. In situations like this, never in my life, has a white outsider actually tried to get at the truth of the situation. Whites hear "angry negro" and they buy into lies and bullshit hook line and sinker.
4A) White Men Rarely Question Other White Men's Treatment of People of Color
In the case of George, he went back to all of our white mutual friends and sang the song of "The Angry Negro Hurt my Feelings," and from what I'm aware, he neglected to mention the lies and how he compounded the lies by inviting me out on NYE and asking me to buy him bottle after bottle of champagne. All George said was "I tried to break up with him nicely and he got crazy." And guess what white people did. Several people blocked me or cut me off. They didn't even attempt to get both sides of the story. All they needed to hear was "The negro got angry and nasty
4B) Black Men CANNOT Do This, Because We Lack Societal Power and Privilege
Black Men cannot do this to white men. White people never believe us when we say that we are victims of racism. Many white gay people don't value our friendships or our relationships (as in connecting with people of color) to the same extent that they chase and pursue and value other whites.
White men run to other white people, they scream to high heaven that the black man is "angry," or "bitter" or "has a chip on their shoulder." In some cases, white men try to tell police that these "angry Black men are dangerous," which can end up getting them killed. But in all instances, when white people are engaged in this behavior, they ALWAYS remove the key reasons as to why the Black man is upset. This makes them appear to be perfect little victims, when in fact, THEY ARE THE ABUSERS!
And then they run to find solace from other white people. And they say "See there. I gave the Black guy a chance," and when he reacted terribly to [X behavior], he got all angry. That's why I'll never date one of them again.
And the problem is, most white people are sympathetic to this immature logic and don't bother to question the guy about what he did to set the Black guy off in the first place.
Black men are incapable of doing this type of cycle, because we don't have thee societal privilege or power to get away with it. The broader gay community doesn't value our lives or our experiences, and so no one believes us. So the message many white gay men send to me is: Take this abuse and shut up!
And I'm sorry, I refuse to do that any longer. If this means we won't be friends any more, I'm totally okay with that. But white readers need to choose powerfully. Are you going to value Black men or are you going to engage in the White Cycle of Abuse?
Here are things I’ve very RARELY seen a white man do for a person of color...
Take Responsibility for What They Did.
Look, I wrote a book about how people of all races are treating other unkindly because apps allow them to do so and not pay any social consequence. But when one race of people has all the privilege that society can offer, it is not uncommon that certain people will treat those without that privilege as disposable or less than.
Queer Black Icon James Baldwin once said “I would never want to be white, because the burden of living in so many lies [about how they oppress others] would destroy my soul.” Ask the Indians/Indigenous people about that.
Is every slight onnline racist? No. Obviously not. But white people's resistance to even looking to CONSIDER whether their behavior has a racist element is extremely telling to me.
Apologize!
It seems that despite all the privilege the gay community can offer, white men just can never even begin to even attempt to apologize. I have a whole chapter about this in my previous book, so there is no point re-writing it here.
But if every black man you've dated is left feeling like you didn't give them a fair chance at dating, maybe it's not all the Black men who are the problem. Maybe it's you...
Actually Try to Work The Issue Out
Again, this has never happened in recent years. Again, not every example of walking away is racially tinged. But as I said, white resistance to looking at it, let's me know that the issue is there. Moreover, as I wrote previously, you can look at your dating history and see if you have implicit biases. So if you have a racial bias, and you're treating people of color like crap, would it kill you to apologize?
But the fact that white men are so quick to walk away is also telling. It's another means of letting us know that we have no value other than the sexual gratification we can provide to white men in the moment. Getting snarky and blocking the Black guy is a way of demonstrating you have no desire or commitment to dating the person of color or even hearing his concerns.
You did something to hurt him. And he was probably just trying to connect with you. And if you don't like his response, you owe it to him to at least CONSIDER how your rude behavior set him off.
But did you ever try to communicate and work out the issue?
It's literally only happened to me once over the past year and a half. So I don't even see the point in writing about it. Let's take a second to examine WHY you never bothered to try to work it out.
As I’ll put in my next blog, the white man isn’t actually trying to work out the issue with the person of color. He is looking for a convenient justification to alleviate his guilt for doing something that made the person of color feel like crap. But behind that, the situation is more dire. I would assert that in a fair number of cases the white man was looking for a reason not to connect with the person of color, because he never had any intention of dating someone who wasn’t white in the first place. They use people of color like an experiment. They want to do a few dates to prove they are “woke” or that they are not racist.
The problem is if the person of color has all of the qualities that the white man says he wants – minus the white skin, then the white man finds himself in a pickle. He doesn’t want to date the Black guy, but he doesn’t want to confront his own racism and his unwillingness to commit to a man who isn’t white. So he goes looking for a reason to pick a fight or do something obnoxious that will offend the Black man enough that he will react negatively, giving the white guy the justification he needs to walk away with smugness and the mentality, “See there. I gave the Negro a chance, but his anger issues stopped us. I’m so not racist.”
So white men say they are open to dating a person of color so long as [insert long laundry list of items that they would never apply to another white man]. As long as the Black man doesn’t have this laundry list, their white guilt is alleviated, because they can say “I’m not racist, I just didn’t connect with the Black guy because he wans’t what I was looking for.”
But when they find it, they are left with one inescapable conclusion: they just don’t want to date someone who is not white. This is a very uncomfortable conclusion. So they exhibit classic white fragility and do crazy things to avoid this uncomfortable truth.
