Ha ha… Well, not literally.
I actually don't believe the headline, but I thought it was pithier than “Don't flake out at the last minute.”
Although one could argue that this commandment is related to my second one to “Be Responsible”,
[See my blog post on
Thou Shalt Be Responsible], flakiness is up there in my top list, because it's my number one pet peeve; it drives me nuts.
I find flakiness to be far worse problem than
any other issue with gay men in the new era of Grindr and online dating
apps.
To me, flakiness is worse than rampant promiscuity
(and that’s a fucking big ass problem).
But being a slut is just a reaction in one form or another. Slutiness starts with two people finding each
other attractive. When basic sex turns
to slutiness, it’s usually an extension by people who either can’t emotionally
commit or choose not to. Sluttiness is
hard-wired into men – gay or straight We
want to spread our seed, and gay men in large cities have a lot of
options. How we navigate those options
is entirely different, and I’ve tried to address it here.
Distinguish a Genuine Emergency From Flakiness?
So I hear you saying “Well, what about genuine
emergencies?” Of course! My God yes.
There are a million reasons why you would legitimately need to cancel a
date on short notice, and some of them might even stop you from communicating
in a timely manner. But most of these
reasons involve a loved one being in the hospital or at death’s door somehow. Go!
Get to the hospital. Don’t worry
about texting me. Go be with your
family!
But 99% of the time when gay guys cancels, it is not a genuine
emergency. They just couldn’t be
bothered to do anything. Here’s how to
quickly distinguish a genuine emergency from otherwise minor issues that can be
dealt with: can two reasonably smart people, if thinking together in unison,
solve this issue that’s arisen? If the
answer is yes, then he's just a flake. If the answer is no, then he’s got more urgent places to be.
Also, I should also distinguish this is entirely distinct from communicating with someone in advance that you need to postpone or reschedule a date. Obviously, if you let someone know in advance, that you can't make it, then "no harm, no foul," because the other guy can make other plans. But we've all had the situation -- more than once -- where a gay guy cancels on us with no notice after you've put time and energy into planning the date. That's what this blog is addressing.
That type of flakiness and lack of respect makes me so angry I can barely even analyze it and explain it to you guys. Imagine that.
That’s how pissed off it makes me.
It renders me – a loud mouth lawyer – effing speechless. If I were a super-hero, flakiness would be my
arch-enemy.
Flakiness is like Lex Luthor to my Superman. Flakiness smiles at you, tells you all the
right things, and then spends all its time trying to destroy everything you try
to create. It’s insidious like
that. Perhaps, it’s more like a virus
than a super villain. But it’s serious,
because online dating apps are the new ground zero for the flakiness
virus. And it’s spreading.
If a guy tells me online that he’s only looking for fun,
then at least I know what I’m going to get.
And I know that if I try to ask more of him than one or two shags, it’s
not going to end well. (Sometimes, two
sluts can find happiness from a one-off that evolves into more, so I’m not
saying it can’t happen, but it has never worked out that way for me) But at least the dirty whore on Grindr is
being honest with me. There’s integrity
to what he’s pursuing, even if he’s emotionally stunted.
Flakey people are a hundred times worse, because they will
promise you more, chat to you for days, if not weeks or months, but they
have no intention of living up to anything they’ve promised. Or in the alternative, they mean it in the
moment, and then they just decide you’re not important enough at the last
minute and bump you. In my opinion the
latter situation is far more dangerous, but in either case, the result is the
same: the flakey man leaves the normal gay man twisting out in the wind.
Here’s the sad but honest truth:
You can NOT build any type of relationship with a
flakey man!
Nothing! Nada! Zilch!
Zero. It's like trying to build a house on quick sand: one person is trying to construct something great, and the other person isn't really bothered about whether it all slips away into nothing.
Flakiness As a Cover For Lack of Interest
First, let’s deal with the flakey man who is using flakiness
to avoid the fact that he didn’t want to date you to begin with. This situation sucks. But what can you do? This type of flakey man never fancied you that much. You were never going to win
with him anyway. So in a sense, he did
you a favor. You didn’t have to waste
any money buying his flakey ass a drink.
And, because he was disinterested, chatting to him on a date would be a
terrible experience anyway. He’d probably
be checking his Grindr while you were taking a bathroom break. So in the long run, he did you a favor – even
though you’re fuming, because you’re now stuck at home on a Friday night. But as I said, building a relationship with
that person was always going to be impossible.
But again, the “lack of interest” flakiness is becoming far
less common in the age of Grindr. People
don’t care enough to take it that far.
They just won’t give you their number.
Or they’ll just block you.
Flakiness is a Cover for Weakness
and Narcissism
This is a controversial statement, but follow me on this one and see where I'm going...
The far more dangerous type of flakiness – and the one
that’s deadly to gay relationships – is the flakiness that is a smoke-screen
for the gay man’s internal narcissism and overall weakness. And it creates a lot of problems, because it
is far more difficult to sniff out in initial conversations. The flakey man will tell you one thing, but can't deliver on it. And if you’re just
getting to know the person, then you can only go on what they’re telling you at
the beginning. So you have no idea if
you’ve met Mr. Right or Mr. Flakey until it’s too late…
Here’s a non-rhetorical question:
What is really going on with a guy
who says something in the moment and then later flakes out?
Another way to think of that is:
What’s going on in the mind of the
flakey man? What’s he hiding?
I know we’re not psychics.
But just as an exercise, think about it for a moment. This man is partially attracted to you – if
not very attracted to you. He does like
the initial first date or two – or maybe he is enjoying the conversation from chatting or
texting. And yet the flakey gay man just
can’t seem to make that second or third date materialize. What’s going on with him? He likes you.
In theory, he wants to date you, but it just doesn’t happen.
What’s up with that?
[Pause to think and ponder]
So here's my theory; brace yourself!
A flakey gay man is a man who gets easily stopped by the
little things in life. When life gives
him a minor speed bump, he gives up and turns around or drives in a different direction. He’ll probably console himself with excuses. “I’ll try harder next time.” “Maybe when the speed bump isn’t there.” “I’ll find another path.” But again, the result is the same. The flakey gay man will never cross the speed bump, because he can't be bothered. But he doesn't know he can't be bothered. His excuses for not traversing the speed bump fool him into thinking that life has just given him a big problem, and he doesn't have the energy or wherewithal to deal with it. To him, his little excuses matter more to him than whatever time or energy you've put into organizing the date. In short, he's not willing to cross the speed bump for you.
The question that never enters the flakey gay man’s head
is:
If I can’t commit to a second or third
date, how can I commit to a relationship?
A flakey gay man can’t grow, because he doesn’t have enough
insight into himself and into how his actions affect other people, and so as a result he doesn't see his flakiness as a
problem. To him, the world is big, he’s
small, and that speed bump in the road occurs to him as Mount Everest. And it’s just too steep for him to climb – or
so he tells himself. But to him, it’s a
reasonable way to respond to a big problem that he doesn’t want to deal with in
the moment.
The problem is with relationships, they are ALWAYS hard
work. They will always have obstacles to overcome. But many of us -- both flakey and resolute -- often have the idea that a relationship will be like a Disney fairy-tale. Gay guys often wait around
like Sleeping Beauty, refusing to move from our comfortable bed of excuses until all the stars are aligned, everything is easy and convent. Prince Charming must present himself; he must be perfect and totally ready to commit to marriage -- but not come across as too desperate, because that would be unattractive. Then, we, the Sleeping Beauty, will awake from our bed of excuses and reveal ourselves to be a true princesses worthy of marriage.
Sarcastic I know, but I think you get my drift. Gays often tell ourselves, "Once everything is perfect, then I will start working on a relationship." But if a particular moment requires some
hard work or inconvenience to achieve, Sleeping Beauty ain’t getting out of that bed! (And that’s why most hot guys stay single for forever by the
way… But that's another entry.) But all too often, too many gay men run at the first sign of trouble. And the situation is acutely worse for flakey people.
Now don’t get me wrong.
Everything is relative in terms of problems we confront in life. And on one level, I can hear you saying “Who
are you to judge?” Well, I’m the guy
that has dealt with flakey people for many, many years, and this is just my
opinion. You’re free to disagree. But keep with me, and you’ll see where I’m
going.
Yes, some people are just not as strong as others. And we all have different levels of maturity
or career goals and such. But a lot of men reading this article think they’re
upstanding gay men, but the flakey virus is ravaging them like untreatable gonorrhea
at a chem sex party!
It’s fine to choose the easiest way possible when it only pertains to
you. One reason Grindr works great for a
hook up app is that it makes sex very convenient. Convenience isn’t bad. But life is full of inconveniences. And we’ve got more and more gay men who can
never be bothered to inconvenience themselves, but simultaneously are wondering
why they’re always single. But for the
record, I love things that are convenient – particularly food. If it’s just you alone on Friday, do what you
want. I’m not judging. If the good Thai restaurant on the other side
of town is too far away, order Dominos!
It tastes like shitty cardboard but it comes straight to your door.
The problem is a flakey gay man doesn’t realize that it’s his unwillingness to inconvenience himself that is causing them – and the
men that are genuinely into them – so much grief.
To the flakey gay man, his reasons are “good enough.” But here’s how you can tell if the flakey
virus is ravishing through him… Because flakey
gay men HATE to be told how their flakey behavior hurts others. Grindr and other dating apps are contributing to a serious lack of empathy or compassion for other gay men. And this shows up very prevalently when it comes to dating and relationships. Grindr and other apps make it harder and harder for people to look inside themselves, see where they've messed up and take responsibility for their actions. These apps make us treat each other like we're easily replaceable, because on one level, we are. But we lose compassion and respect for other people, and that's giving us a community where everyone is unhappy.
This flakiness, resulting from the broader lack of self-awareness and lack of empathy for others, is THE most insidious
part of Grindr* in my opinion. And as this blog is about online dating, it comes up repeatedly when you try to date people who say they're up for something deeper, but in reality, they just can't be bothered. The problem is any time you try to call people out on being flakey, they refuse to take responsibility for hurting your feelings, and they really don't want to expend any energy making amends. At best, they want to be absolved completely. At worst, they will get angry at you for merely pointing out that their flaky behavior ruined your evening.
The flakey gay man wants
to be told “It’s okay.”
“Yes, you canceled on me at short notice but I’m fine with
it.”
“I’ll be fine – even though I had champagne waiting on ice
for us.”
“When everything is perfectly convenient for you, I’ll be
here waiting…”
**[Side note – I’m not being hyperbolic when I say flakiness
may be the worst problem affecting gay men.
Yes, apps make us more superficial.
We can scream till we’re blue in the face about how gay culture puts way
too much emphtaiss on appearance. But
people can’t help who they find attractive.
Yes, there are a lot of messed up things going on in the media, which influence who society deems as attractive, but that
cake is baked for most of us. We can work on the
future of media and culture, but for now, people like what they like.
**But flakiness is stopping gay men from having
great relationships NOW! Everything is
there – just one person can’t get their ass in gear. Or they are pretending and saying all the
right things and not living up to their promises. And in that instance, you can’t build
anything. So in terms of finding and
building loving relationships, flakiness is far more dangerous than promiscuity, in my humble opinion.]
The Narcissism Test:
Flakey gay men want to be able to flake out on you with no
consequences or push back at all.
If you
dare to hold up a mirror to the flakey gay man, he scurries away like a roach from
a florescent light.
This is where the
flakey gay man’s utter narcissism kicks in.
Because remember, the flakey gay man just wants to take the
easiest road available, since he only cares about himself.
And if you get hurt, he wants you to keep
it to yourself, because to say otherwise might expose him as just another douche bag who can't be bothered (and he doesn't want to deal with that).
So the flakey gay man will
despise you if you don’t tell him that you’re okay with his infuriating behavior. Often, he'll attack you for being the jerk for not "forgiving" him for ruining your evening.
The next time a guy flakes out on you with short notice, don’t
tell him that “everything is okay.” Tell
him the truth!
Now, you don’t have to get crazy. Don’t threaten to cut a bitch… Don’t cuss. Don’t lose your cool. But you can be dignified and yet let him know
that you’re not okay with him being flakey.
You can say something like:
“Well, I spent a lot of time planning this date. That kind of hurts my feelings a bit.”
“With such short notice, I can’t really make alternative
plans with my evening. That kind of puts me in an awaked position, no?”
“If you needed to cancel, I understand, I’m just not clear
on why you’re telling me now at the last minute.”
His response to this will immediately reveal whether he’s a
lion or a mouse, so pay very careful attention.
The flakey gay man is
like medusa and you’re holding up the mirror.
He will lose his shit, the instant you start pressing him on this.
If he comes back with anything like:
“Why
are you trying to make me feel bad?” Then
you know he’s an instant narcissist or a mouse.
He
will NEVER care about you.
He’s just
pretty but vapid Sleeping Beauty who will be condemned to be single forever,
because he can’t wake up from his own narcissistic dreams and pitiful excuses.
Another variation of this line is:
Why are you making a big deal out of this? Well, again, as I said, don’t go mental or ape shit. Say in a calm, collected, concise way that his behavior left you in a tough spot, and that's not okay with you. And if his immediate reaction is NOT one of compassion and empathy, but rather one that’s all about him, then that’s a hint and a half that he really doesn’t give a damn about you. Maybe you planned something nice. Maybe you were really into him. Maybe you had been looking forward to seeing this guy all week. But he doesn’t feel the same way. So when a gay man says “Why are you making a big deal out of this” (assuming you haven’t turned into a sniveling idiot), what he’s really saying is “YOU are not a big deal to ME.” He wasn’t excited about a date with you. He wasn’t that keen to spend time with you. And he certainly wasn’t going to inconvenience himself in the slightest over it.
By the way, I am NOT saying the flakey guy is a bad person. He is just simply too caught up in his own
world to make someone an equal partner.
That sucks, because he probably had potential. But when a flakey gay man
is asked to reflect on how his flakey behavior hurts another person, his
first reaction is usually to retreat into himself, and look for cover so he doesn't take to take responsibility for his actions. If he does all this, then you know he doesn’t care about
your feelings or your time, and he doesn’t care about growing as a human being in this
regard. Again, I’m not saying he’s a bad
guy. Maybe he’d make a good friend, but
he is NOT your Prince Charming.
Text Him NOW!
Communication is always key - whether you're in a gay relationship or a straight relationship. And how a man communicates
to you that he’s in a difficult spot says a lot about his character. If something comes up and he says nothing (hoping you won't ask him where he is), or flakes at the last minute, then you know you have the worst kind of flake.
He’s not really that into you, but he doesn’t want to feel bad about
what he’s done, so he’s hoping and praying that you’ll forget about him. That way he can completely avoid feeling bad
about himself – or worse, risk having you express how his bad behavior hurt
your feelings. So if his first response
is to hide and/or ignore the issue, then that’s how you know you’ve got someone
who is riddled with the flakey virus, and after this blog post, if he hurts
your feelings, that is entirely on you! Buyer
Beware! You Were Warned!
But yes, genuine emergencies happen. But on a smaller scale, yes plans can
change. Things can and do come up. But first ask “Can this be sorted out?” And if it can’t, get in touch with the guy
IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait until 5 minutes before your planned date. If you forgot that you
double-booked yourself, don’t hide out like scared little boy, who's hoping mommy won't notice he stole a cookie from the cooke jar. Let the guy know ASAP.
This may surprise you after reading this little manifesto of
mine, but I am extremely gracious when someone communicates with me in advance
that his plans need to change, so long as he hasn’t done it at the last minute. I have a lot of compassion for people I
date. I want to be there for them
through ups and downs. But whether they
confront changing plans head on or whether they hide out and hope you won’t
call them on it reveals a lot about a man’s character.
Even if you think you might have to cancel or change the
plans, let the person know ASAP! Better
to let him know with three or four hours of notice that there’s a chance you may cancel than to risk dropping the bomb on him while he's waiting for you at the bar.
And again, how a gay man responds to adversity gives you
clues and insights into how his character and his behavior patterns. If he can’t sort out his work schedule for
your second date, how is he going to be able to be there for you when you’re
going through a rough time and you need him?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just saying…
But if a guy gives you advance warning and wants to reschedule, then you know you’ve got a keeper –
so be gracious and understanding when he needs to reschedule. But if he doesn’t give you any warning and
he’s not keen to reschedule, then you need to trust your gut, your previous
experiences and decide whether to give him another chance. Take a moment and analyze whether this guy is
making a mountain out of a molehill or is really just going through a difficult
time?
Here’s another little hint.
If the guy is really into you, and he values you as a person, he will
definitely make this an easy decision for you…
So if you need to reschedule, then reschedule. But let the other guy know so he can get on
with his life. Don’t hide out like a
scared little boy. And for the love of God:
THOU SHALT NOT BE FLAKEY!!!
Andrew Londyn is a lawyer, PR Consultant, and author of Grindr Surivr: How to Find Happiness in the Age of Hookup Apps. He can be reached at @grindrsurvivr
