Is Grindr Turning You Into a Mindless Shag Zombie

This article was first featured in Attitude magazine in September 2017, but they took it down off of their website after 90 days, so I'm posting it below.

https://attitude.co.uk/tag/andrew-londyn/

And if you'd like to purchase Grindr Survivr, click here:
 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XVHQGDT

As you’re getting ready to leave his house, you don’t say much. You just put your clothes on and collect your belongings.  He hasn’t suggested meeting again, so you don’t either – why risk getting rejected?  As he closes the door behind you, you walk away feeling slightly dejected.  In theory, you won.  The Grindr gods smiled on you. You just hooked up with a hot guy, but as you walk away alone, that ache in your heart begins to resurface.

You ask yourself “What was that about? Why did I do that?” The endorphins that were running through your veins moments ago are quickly dissipating; they’re replaced by an ever-growing gnawing feeling of emptiness.  Small voices of anxiety become a din, as you realize you’re no better off than an hour ago.

You try to argue with the voices “I just got a super hot notch on my belt.”  But the empty feeling is still there; you can’t rationalize it away as you walk alone down the street in the middle of the night. 

You open your phone, hoping it provides you with a distraction.  The guy hasn’t texted, and you’re too afraid to text him, because it would make you look desperate.  And then you see it – the app that got you there in the first place.  That yellow mask with the black background – or is it a skull? Should you open it?  “If the guy sees me online, he’ll think I’m a slut,” you tell yourself. But then you realize that if he’s not interested in seeing you again, you might as well find someone who is.  You press the button and log on, this time, hoping that someone who can help you make the incessant void feeling go away – maybe a hot guy who can appreciate your heart as well as your junk. 

No such prince charming has presented himself, but someone did send you a cock pic.  “Hey, at least it’s a big distraction,” you say to yourself, smirking. 

***

If the above passage resonates with you, you may be a mindless shag zombie and not even know it.  A mindless shag zombie is the type of guy who just roams the app-sphere looking for new flesh to consume.  They’re not open to a committed relationship – or they’re certainly not willing to expend any effort or take any risks.  At one point, this zombie was alive and in love, but he got hurt.  Terribly.  And so he vowed to do anything and everything to avoid getting hurt again, but all he did was just make himself hopelessly cynical and emotionally unavailable.  This is what I call the vicious cycle of sluttiness and cynicism, which leads to an emotional death of sorts.

In constantly trying to stay safe, all that’s left is chasing after the hottest photo you can obtain with minimal effort.  But each time you hook up, your feeling of validation feels less of an achievement and more of simply going through the motions – literally.  And after a while, that’s all you have: empty motions, which now serve to exacerbate your negative feelings.

Now I’m not saying that you can’t be sexually liberated.  Sex is a natural part of life. But all too often, these apps create a structure whereby our community only caters to its basest instincts with no emotional connection or personal growth.  Some people want relationships; others don’t, but everyone feels trapped.  And that’s why I wrote Grindr Survivr: How to Find Happiness in the Age of Hookup Apps. 

It’s easy to point the finger at the mean, nasty gays on these apps, but if we’re truly going to make these apps safer spaces for our community, you’ve got to start with yourself first. Yes, I’m aware that numerous gay guys have wronged you in the past, but you’re ultimately responsible for not becoming an emotional zombie.  The fact is, several amazing guys probably presented themselves, but you were too emotionally incognizant to appreciate them. 

While you can’t control every hot asshole out in cyber space, you can do some soul searching and stop lying to yourself (and to others) when it comes to identifying what you’re committed to having in your life (whether it’s a relationship or not).  You can get new insights into how you might be sabotaging your love life, and you can live by a higher moral code than what you’ve been doing previously, not to be self-righteous, but because it’s far more empowering than doing the same empty motions again and again.   You’ve done that ad nauseam, so it’s time to deal with the empty feelings rather than just distract them.   As Michelle Visage always says “Getting filled and being fulfilled are two totally different things.”

Andrew Londyn is a lawyer, PR Consultant, and author of Grindr Surivr: How to Find Happiness in the Age of Hookup Apps.  He can be reached at @grindrsurvivr

The Tinder Trap

In theory, the Tinder app (or its gay counterpart called 'Surge') could be the answer to all of our problems.  It's clearly more relationship oriented than Grindr.  It gives you more than one photo, and you can link your Instagram account to it—even your favorite song if it’s on Spotify.  You can write more text than you can on Grindr.  And the Tinder app prevents you from sending direct photos to someone, which means it’s impossible to to get cock pics while you’re eating your breakfast.  (Thank God)

Also, for better or for worse, the "matching" function takes out a LOT of the drama that comes from Grindr.  If a guy doesn't fancy you at all, he'll just swipe left.  So, in theory, Tinder leaves you with relationship-oriented guys who clearly fancy you and are open to establishing a genuine connection... 

Darling, you know what I'm about to say...

Match and Ignore!

Who the fuck does this!  Seriously!  I wish I could track some of these people down and just scream, "WHY?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  If you don't fancy me, then fine, but then just swipe left."  And of course, the first few lines of my Tinder profile say exactly this:

Looking for someone who looks at my profile and says "Yeah, I'm up for grabbing a drink with him."  The whole matching/ignoring thing is silly... But if that's your thing, feel free to swipe left.

So I tell people, honestly, openly, I'm not here for your lame-ass swiping to get matches so you get a temporary ego boost.  You're a fucking loser if you have 600 matches and no boyfriend, because that's on YOU! But whatever, if I'm honest, that's only a temporary annoyance.  If a guy never responds to you after matching with you, it's annoying, but whatever...  The bigger problem is when people chat to you, then blank you or flake out. 

Sluts In Disguise

This isn't really a huge issue for me, but it's worth mentioning, that a lot of Grindr sluts move to Tinder, because they like the idea of sleeping with guys who are less slutty.  I guess I can't be too mad at them; they're trying to steer clear of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's kind of funny that they want to act like sluts, but they don't want to do it with other sluts...  That's why I've just started asking people pretty soon in the conversation, "So what are you looking for on here?"

Time Wasters

What's far more frustrating is not just people who ignore you after you've matched them, but people who will chat to you literally for months, but never be up for a drink!  It's crazy!  I'm not saying that this doesn't happen on Gridr.  Time wasters are everywhere, and they're always happy to waste hours of your time with inane chat and giving you false hope that they're interested.  But the issue is far worse on Tinder than Grindr -- at least the slutty guys on Grindr know they want sex.  Rather than attracting people who are long-term relationship oriented, Tinder has just become a never ending cycle of confused over-grown children who don't want anything at all. 

So I chatted with this guy on Tinder, and I asked for his number.  He gave me some lame excuse of he doesn't know me well enough.  I was like, whatever... So a few days after that, I unmatched him.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but he stopped chatting.  Literally yesterday (or a few days since I actually published this blog post), he messaged me on Hornet.  He started asking me all sorts of questions about how have I been, what have I been up to, bla bla bla...  I reminded him that we had chatted on Tinder, and he remembered.  So I asked him, "Are you finally ready to meet for a drink?"  

(You already know what happened...) 

CRICKETS! 

So after wasting my time on Tinder, he was going to endlessly waste my time on Hornet as well?  Really? 

Also... Literally yesterday (which was a Saturday)... I matched a really cute guy who worked in advertising.  We had instant Tinder chemistry, if such a thing exists.  He responded promptly; he asked me lots of questions; he said he was keen to meet up at some point.  We swapped numbers; we were chatting all day.  He said he was just relaxing this weekend.  I asked him, "Well, if you're not doing much tomorrow, maybe we could meet up for a drink if you want to."  (You already know what happened...) 

CRICKETS!  (again) 

I don't know if that was too forward or what.  But we had been chatting loads.  What's wrong with striking while the iron is hot?  Or he could just have said, "I've got plans tomorrow but what about next weekend?"  That takes ten seconds!  But don't chat to me endlessly, agree to meet me for a date, give me your number, add me on Snap Chat, but then disappear when it comes time to make a time to meet.  I asked you to join me at a bar -- not a wedding chapel. 

So yeah... There is no refuge from the hoards of emotionally stunted, confused, time-wasting gays...  It's not just Grindr...  App culture in general has created a serious problem and no one is addressing it.  At least, I'm screaming "WAKE UP!" 

The Problem With Grindr in a Big City

The problems I see with Grindr and other online dating apps are as follows (particularly if you live in a big city like I do): 

Back in the Old Days (As in 4 or 5 Years Ago) 

Let's cast our eyes back in time, readers.  Back to a simpler time.  Back before everyone had a smart phone.  I'm talking early 2012 or maybe mid-2011.  Seems like an eternity, and I'm not even that old...

Back back in the "old days" pre Grindr, if you wanted to meet a potential man (whether he was Mr. Right or Mr. Right now), you had to go out to a gay bar or a club.  (Yes, there were dating sites, but people didn't have camera phones and so you never knew if the photos were reliable.  It was far easier to catfish or trick someone.  And frankly, I don't recall ever meeting a nice guy online, and I don't recall any of my friends getting relationships from them).  

So once you set yourself on a night out in Soho, the Castro, West Hollywood or wherever, you'd be stuck with whoever was in the bar or club that night.  Even on a good night, I would never see more than three or four guys I really liked.  You might -- after a few shots -- get the courage to speak to one or two of them.  And they'd probably shoot you down, although they were always polite to your face. And if you did meet someone nice, you'd hang on to them for at least a month or two.  Even if he wasn't perfect, you'd give him a chance, because the chances of finding someone else good on another night out might be slim.  

Unlimited Choice

But now, we've got hundreds -- if not thousands -- of options on apps.  I don't really think gay guys online are evil and soulless (although I know my complaints make it seem that way); I just think we're all totally overwhelmed.  Some of my mates get 40 or 50 messages a day online.  You can't meaningfully respond to all of them.  So what happens next?  

A.  It Makes You Superficial.  Let's be honest, there is NO way you can show your heart and soul to a guy in the first message.  You just can't do it.  So if you've got 20 guys, and all of them say some version of "Hi. How are you?"  You're going to naturally be inclined to respond to the hottest ones.  But my sister told me one thing that totally turned out to be true: pretty boys make bad boyfriends. 

We're guys.  We respond to people we find attractive.  Yes, that sucks on one level, but it's just how the way things are.  But the apps exacerbate that.  Back in the old days (of four years ago), there were numerous ways to show that you're attractive to a guy you like.  You can read their body language, their confidence level, their ability to hold a conversation, fashion sense, common interests, any number of things.  But NONE of these things can come through in an app -- and they certainly can't come through within the first message or two.  So all you're left with is one simple photo.  That's it.  Your experience and any potential future you might hold with the person comes down to one photo.  

A.  Manners go out the window.  So everyone is judging everyone based off of one photo (or whatever cock pics you might want to send while people are trying to eat their breakfast).  If you're lucky enough to be the type of guy who receives more chats than he starts, then eventually, you just start going with the prettiest one possible.  I'm not saying you're a superficial shady cunt, but unless you're channeling the Buddha inside of you, eventually, superficial behavior will take over, and to everyone else you'll stop caring about their feelings or how the rejection might affect them.  

And if you're like me who sends out more messages than he typically receives, you just start throwing stuff at everyone hoping to get a response.  Back when I was first starting to use Grindr, I'd read everyone's profile carefully and try to find an area of common interest where we could connect.  
Guess how well that worked?  

Crickets!

It NEVER worked.  Never.  So after a while, I just started saying "Hey. How's it going?" to everyone. Eventually, I would just start saying "Hey" or "Hi" if they weret even that cute.  So after a while you just stop caring -- or at least, you try to stop caring.

So everyone begins to develop an "I don't care" attitude.  They're overwhelmed by the app, and they stop caring or thinking with the slightest modicum of respect for other people's feelings: and that's when some really dumb bull-shit will jump off of someone's fingers and onto the screen.

No Consequence for Bad Behavior Online

In life there's always a consequence for acting like a dick head.  If you act like a dick on the job, you'll probably get fired (unless you're the boss -- but even then people under you have a way of getting even: corporate sabotage, taking you to HR, voting against your run for president...  Yeah, don't forget to go vote against Trump!  Anyway... I digress.)  If you act like a dick to your friends, they will shun you.  And I can only speak for me, but if you disrespect me in public, I'm going to throw a drink in your face.  The point is, in the real world, acting like a jerk has consequences.  

But online, there is are no consequences.  There's no Grindr police who will pull you over and give you a citation.  None of your friends can see what you say or do.  And certainly your mama isn't going to -- we hope.  

With a press of a button, you can make anyone go away and you never have to live with the consequence of your hateful behavior.  Don't get me wrong.  Some people just keep messaging cock pics forever unless you block them, so we NEED the block button.  But I am pointing out that one of the risks of such functions means that we are less present to how we leave others, and I'm not sure most gays are aware of this. 

Moreover, you can say things -- abusive things -- that no one in their right mind would say in real life, and there's no check on your behavior.  Some people get away with it, and it's clear that they derive satisfaction from making someone else feel bad.  And some get "reported."  But if Grindr sends you a stern warning, they're not going to send your abusive texts to your HR team at your job -- although sometimes I wish they would.  And if your account gets deactivated, all you have to do is delete the app, reinstall and use a different email address.  So there's no consequence for acting like a jerk.  

The question that nags me is: is the bad online behavior unconsciously making us worse people in the real world?  If you had asked me before 2015, I would have said no, most people can handle the distinction.  But now with Trump's campaign I'm not so sure.  Donald Trump is one giant anonymous comment section on the internet made manifest into a single man.  He's the embodiment of the new app age.  Everyone feels entitled to say whatever stupid thing pops into their head, and there are no consequences for saying dumb shit -- quite the opposite.  Trump sailed through the primary saying crazier and crazier stuff.  He was rewarded for his innate rants.  But to bring it back to gay men, we need to be questioning whether app culture is making us less sensitive to caring about other people and worse boyfriend material.  

Requires No Effort

So I once took a seminar on relationships, and one of the homework assignments was to do something romantic for someone.  That assignment was kind of scary and eery because I was single.  But I realized that in doing the assignment, even in merely attempting to do something romantic for someone else, I got invested in hoping things worked out.  In a weird way, doing something nice for this one guy made me want him more.  I don't know if that's just me, but I'm willing to go on a limb and say my experience isn't unique.  When we put effort into people, we feel invested in them.  But due to Grindr and other apps, it requires no effort to find a potential date or "shag", so you never feel invested in any one person.  And if you're never invested in one person, then you'll never value them or treat them with respect - why would you?  They're just a photo and a few lines of text.  

App culture makes everyone completely fungible and easily replaced.  So if someone can find another guy just like you (and yes, in a large city, he can find someone JUST LIKE YOU), why should he value you or invest in you?   Or...  How do we show guys we like that we're worth investing in?  

Frankly, I wish I had an easy answer for you.  If I did, I'd be married right now rather than blogging about being single.  But I think I'm right to ask you to question how do you value other people when new guys are always easy and available?  What impact does everyone being fungible have on us?  How do we value ourselves?  What's the impact on your life outside of dating?  Again, I don't have an easy answer, but I'm 100% convinced that there is an impact, and on balance, that impact makes it harder to build strong healthy relationships.  

Seeking Perfection

Although this ties into becoming more superficial, it warranted its own discussion.  One of my friends once told me, "I knew I needed to get off of Grindr when I was looking at someone's photo and I thought 'He's hot, but I don't like his nipples.'"  

I've often told myself, "I need to be less superficial."  And then I resolve to be that way, and it lasts for about a week or two.  

Then a hot guy matches me on Tinder and then I find myself jumping for joy!  Part of the problem with online dating is that "perfection" (or at least physical perfection -- or rather someone who is really hot) seems obtainable.  There are always enough hot guys who will chat to you online (or meet you for a drink or a hook up) to give you hope that you can always find someone "better." 

My friends always tell me, "Don't settle."  Well, maybe it's not a matter of settling, but it's a matter of getting my priorities right.  Do I want to be the "plus one" of the hot guy, or do I want someone who loves me and wants to make me happy? I'm still struggling with this one... 

There's nothing wrong with being selective.  And there's nothing wrong with knowing what you definitely want.  But -- and I'm very guilty of this one as well -- we're not really powerfully choosing amazing qualities to find our husband; we're knit-picking over stupid bullshit -- like the size or color of their nipples.  


We're looking for reasons to cross someone off rather than looking for reasons to keep them around!  The high volume of guys makes this second nature, and we don't even realize we're doing it.    So whether we realize it or not, we're probably not making the best choices in our online screening patterns.  

Promiscuous Behavior

I'm hesitant to just slam people for being slutty.  We're all guys; we all have needs.  And I don't judge people for doing drugs, although that's not my thing.  But again, it's like, if you can get a random shag whenever you want, why settle down?  Why commit?  

Being sexually intimate with someone is a way of investing in someone.  
(Some of your are making obscene jokes right now, because I said "invest in someone")  But the point is true.  

So if we're hooking up with anyone and everyone, what value are we assigning to the people we sleep with?  Are we dehumanizing ourselves?  Are we dehumanizing others?  Again, I don't know the right balance.  I'm just asking people to ponder the question.  Is it really that strange that the no one wants to buy the cow when the milk is always for free?  

Here's what I see: I see thousands (if not tens of thousands) of gay guys living in a large city, all shagging like rabbits, but wondering why can't they get a boyfriend or find anything meaningful?  But there are precious few forums to make us question our actions, our thoughts, our priorities, so we all stay trapped in the same cycle of one word messages, dick pics at breakfast and easy shags.  No one is forwarding a conversation on how to change these things.

And certainly these conversations aren't happening on Grindr!  

****  
UPDATE:  
So I tested this theory not too long ago... I went back home to visit my family for three weeks -- which is 2.5 weeks too long when you come from the boring place that I do...  But in that time, I went on a date with a guy.  

You guys he was so AWKWARD and so WEIRD...  Had I been at home, he would have NEVER gotten a second date.  But due to the fact that I was in the middle of nowhere and didn't have my endless options, I was literally "forced by circumstances" to hang out with this guy.  At first, I thought, "Well, he and I can be friends."  And after we got to know each other from hanging out, things changed and we became romantically involved.  I found he -- like myself -- has been hurt a few times and he sometimes acts awkward as a result.  But overall, he had a good heart.  I wouldn't have seen that if I hadn't kept investing time in him anyway.  

Obviously, I had to return home, and I live too far to make long-distance feasible, but I learned a valuable lesson.  Miracles can turn up when you give people a chance.  I'm not saying this guy was my husband or that we'll end up married.  Looking at him through the lens of "big city gay boy", I missed what a great person he was.  It definitely got me present to how quickly I write people off, even when I think that I don't.  But it made me ponder the following question, which I will leave with you:  

If by some twist of fate, you were forced by circumstances to be with one guy -- even if he's not your ideal "type" -- do you think some spark or relationship might develop?  

Another way to think of it is: if you were stuck on a desert island with a guy, could you work things through?  

Now some people you might just have to kill them & eat them, because you just can't stand each other.  But if I was forced by circumstance to work on things with people, I'm probably a lot more compatible with far more people than I realize.