We’re Not Your Backup Plan: Black Men Deserve More Than "Last Resort" Dating

Do you genuinely enjoy dating Black guys or men of color? Or do you treat men of color like a last resort?  Are we a type that you're not keen on connecting with -- but you'll occasionally use us in a pinch?  It's probably not surprising to say this attitude is rather common in major gay cities. And weirdly enough, people who have this attitude tend to condemn other "gays that are for more racist than they are" and yet they still end up treating men of color quite badly. But rather than welcoming a conversation that allows men of color to feel safer and more affirmed on Grindr, it's just easier for white guys to point to an even more racist white gay man and say "See there, I'm not as bad as him."  But that problem obscures an issue that comes up for me a lot on Grindr -- mediocre white guys trying to use me as their "last choice." 

But first, let me give you some context and data from my own experience... 

My Experiential Data From Dating

If a white man has dated a Black guy for more than three months, or long enough that he was trying to build a relationship with a Black/BME guy, there’s a 99% chance he won’t flake on the first meeting, and there’s an 80-90% chance that he’ll want a second date.  

If a white man has NEVER dated a Black guy, or only used men of color for the occasional shag, there’s a 60% chance he’ll FLAKE on the first date, and there’s less than a 25% chance he’ll want a second date.  

Also, if a white man has dated Black guys in the past, he’s extremely open to being friends after its clear that we’re not a match for a long-term relationship.  

Conversely, if a white man has never dated Black guys in the past, there’s a 99% chance that he’ll have zero interest in being friends afterwards.  (I literally have no friends in this category.)

Also worth noting, in the years since I’ve been keeping track of this. NOT ONCE has a white guy with no history of dating Black guys magically showed up, did something romantic for me, wanted to date me long term or try to be my plutonic friend long term.  So this one category has zero long term dating potential. 

So the take home point is this: How you have treated other Black guys in the past almost always determines how you will treat me!  And if your dating history shows that you tend to use Black guys as a last resort, you're probably not going to be kind to me, so why would I even want to hook up with a guy with that kind of attitude? 

Now context is key.  Hypothetically, if a guy recently moved from from Latvia to London, my rule of thumb might not apply. I live in Europe, and most of Europe doesn’t have a lot of interracial dating options on account that there aren't that many ethnic minorities.  But it’s different in cities like London, Paris or Berlin.  

I also accept that this date is from my own limited dating experience, and it’s purely anecdotal – but I do have a doctorate from Harvard, and I already wrote one of the first books on how Grindr affects gay men, so I think I’ve got a bit of credibility on these issues. 

So if you’re me (aka a gay bi-racial man)… Of the two groups I just mentioned -- guys who have dated Black guys long term and those that haven't -- which group would you want to interact with (even if you're not looking or anything serious)?  

Be honest.  

If one group overwhelmingly treats you with some degree of kindness or interest, but then another group overwhelmingly was cold and indifferent, which group would you rather take your chances with?  Which grouper is safer investment of your time and energies?  

In dating, there's always a strong risk of being hurt. But you can't blame a guy for wanting maximize his chances for happiness.  And for me, the choice is painfully obvious!  Why should I try to connect with someone who views my race as "last on his list" of dating options.  

I already wrote a blog where I spoke about why it’s important for Black queer men to be able to voice these concerns in online spaces without being attacked.  It’s key to safe-guarding our mental health -- and to some extent even our physical safety. (See link if you want to read more)  

Asking One Question Can Protect My Mental Health

Let's Cut Through the Empty Rhetoric: Your 'White Lies' About Dating BME Guys Have Real Word Impacts. 

"But how do I know if I treat Black guys as a last resort?" you might be asking yourself... The answer is simple -- LOOK AT YOUR ACTIONS -- Not what you think is "not racist."  

White guys in this category (who don't want to connect with Black guys but use us when they are bored and horny with no one else around) have a very deceptive practice of saying all the right things. But.. their actions never quite line up with their rhetoric.  These are the type of white guys who say things like “I haven’t ever dated a Black guy before, but I’m definitely open to it.”  “I’ve never dated a Black guy before, but that’s because I come from a small town, and I just haven't met the right one... bla bla bla…”  

But again, I have to refer you to the data from above.  These types of white guys rarely follow through; they rarely take any initiative to make a date happen.  And I'd assert they are very happy for things to fizzle out. A more negative interpretation is that they just lie -- both to themselves and to Black guys: they say “Let me get back to you next week,” and then they never do. In a way, these white guys are the most frustrating people to deal with, because they tell you what you want to hear, but then their actions  demonstrate that they have zero interest in connecting with someone who’s not white. 

If you now feel uncomfortable, it’s because I’m telling the truth.  

Here’s what I would assert about this yucky group. Your actions demonstrate that dating Black guys just isn’t a priority for you.  So the words you tell yourselves – and Black guys like me – are just there to make you feel less racist about your dating patterns that might give you cause for concern when scrutinized in an open and honest conversation. 

Maybe these guys actively tell themselves, "I would date the [perfect] Black guy if he were to present himself."  And then, when the perfectly muscular, hung, rich, younger version of Idris Elba doesn't show up, they shrug and go back to only chasing white guys.  Their incorrect view of themselves is protected, and they can go back onto Grindr guilt free.  

In one sense, this isn’t surprising.  

No one wants to believe, “I mistreat Black men.”  Or few would openly admit, “I only want to date white men, but I’ll occasionally shag a Black guy if no better white guy is available.”  Those thoughts are possibly racist and definitely callous.  So human beings tend to add a fig leaf of good intentions… They say, “I just haven’t connected with the right Black guy yet, but I’m definitely open to it.”  

“Oh, yeah, that Harvard lawyer wanted to meet me, I just got busy and never circled back around. But I’m still open to dating other amazing Black guys – I just flaked out on that one. I’ll do better next time.” But when the next one shows up, a similar excuse seems to block the meeting.    

Do your actions demonstrate that you're genuinely keen to connect with guys that aren't white?  

Often times, while chatting, these types of white guys will openly compliment your looks, your education, your interest in them – ie they will accept you have a laundry list as to why you’re a great dating candidate, but they mysteriously never put any effort in when it comes to arranging a date, and if they do, “they never feel a spark.”  Hmmm…. I wonder why that is?  [That's me wondering in sarcasm].  

When they are sober and have other "things to do," they ignore you.  But then they mysteriously get very complimentary when it's midnight, and they're bored, and there's no one else around. That's gross and annoying, and I don't want to deal with that shit.

The term “Busy” comes up quite a lot with these types of whites.  And I certainly can't argue that life doesn't get busy. But in my limited experience, this category of white person uses the term "busy" he means two things: 

1)  “I’ll put you on ice, till there’s a time when no other suitable white men are available, and then I may invite you to a quick NSA experience, then I’ll ignore you afterwards.”  -- Another way to say it is -- "I'll let the Negro be my 1AM mistake".  

2) "Despite nothing in my dating history suggesting that I’m someone who will want to connect with BME guys, you – the Black guy – have to keep chasing me, despite my disinterested vibe. And because you didn't keep chasing me, our lack of meeting is on you."  (This one happens a lot. There's this in-built assumption amongst white men, that Black guys should have to keep chasing and chasing them to get a crumb of attention. And they often melt down when you suggest that this might be because of a racial block or implicit bias issue.  I wrote a blog about this: 

Are You a Mediocre White Guy Making Black Guys Tap Dance to Get Your Attention

Do either of those options seem appealing for me?  Like even if I'm looking for something casual, why would I want to engage with that type of person? But because people aren't very self aware, they exude this attitude, but get very defensive and clutch their pearls if you point out that maybe their previous treatment of you may have been "colored" by their negative racial preferences.  

But again, people don't want to look at themselves in an honest way. It's easier to come up with a glib lie. They either say “Oh, I got busy,” and yet you see them on Grindr constantly chasing someone else – presumably a white guy.  Or they try to say “I felt the fizzling out was mutual," when it clearly wasn’t.

My take away point is this: What white people tell themselves about how they would treat the "perfect, magical negro" who might show up one day versus how they treat men or color on a regular basis are two very different things.  So if you're reading this article, I'm asking you please be honest with yourself -- are you treating black guys like we're your last resort?  

Usually, one's actions tell a more revealing truth than easy rhetoric. And if you're a person of color reading this: Always judge white guys by their actions, not their words.  

I’m not trying to bust anyone’s balls about this.  I’m only trying to protect my mental health, my self esteem and to a certain (lesser) degree, my physical safety.  I deserve to be around people who don’t have racial blocks when it comes to dating.  I deserve to date people who don’t secretly view me as their last resort.  And I shouldn’t have to brow beat it out of you or take a litany of white fragility attacks for just trying to date on the same level playing field that all you white guys get to take for granted.  Yes, I'm not asking for special treatment. I want what you get to take for granted: that your skin color doesn't negatively impact your dating life or other encounters.  

White people are masters of fiction when it comes to inventing reasons as to why they mistreat men of color.  And it’s never about getting to the real truth of the matter.  It’s all about conjuring up with a sanitary reason to justify why they treat men of color as “less than.”  

But as I watch the Trump Administration destroy America, I do notice some parallels between how his white supporters justify their support of Trump’s racist (and fascist) policies with how some white men justify their treatment of Black men in gay spaces.  

And in both cases, they WANT A RACIST OUTCOME, BUT THEY DON’T WANT TO BE CALLED RACIST.  

White gay men want a Harem of fuck-buddies, but when they look around and see that they are all white, they don’t want to feel guilty.  So they say and do things – not to rectify the all white dating history – but to assuage their guilty feelings.  So in my experience, this group of white guys who use Black guys as a last resort will sometimes chat to me only long enough to assuage their guilt and then they go back to chasing other white guys.  

If I’m wrong? Where’s your evidence to the contrary?  Show me where you swept a Black guy off his feet and you two lived happily ever after… When have you done this? 

Again, in my experience of recent years since I’ve been tracking this stuff, it’s NEVER transpired where a white guy (who has never previously dated Black guys before), meets me and then just is magically transformed by my winning personality and large pectoral muscles. People already know what they want -- and it's usually not someone different.  

All I'm asking is that you get clear on how you'll treat men without your societal privilege BEFORE you ask me to hook up or to meet up with you!  I just don't want to be lied to or deceived.  Is that too much to ask?

But if after all this you're still not clear on whether you treat Black guys as your last resort, here are some things to ask yourself. 

 

Questions to Ask Yourself as a White Man to Assess Whether You Mistreat BME Guys:

*If a Black guy wants to date you, is he safe? Is that a wise use of his time?   

*Have you treated other Black guys with kindness in the past? 

*Have you ever done something small to make a non-white guy feel special?  

*If I spoke to the last three Black guys that asked you out, WHAT WOULD THEY TELL ME ABOUT YOU?

*Have you ever pursued a Black guy before – taken a bit of initiative to make the date happen -- or just made them turn themselves into pretzels to get a crumb of your attention?  

*Have you ever forgiven a Black guy for a misstep or miscommunication? This is also huge. Again, people say they'd date a Black guy, but when it's not a priority, they often wait for a slight mis-step to give them the excuse to do what their hearts watned all along (to cancel the Black guy). "See there. You disagreed with me on whether Friends is the best sitcom of all time. I couldn't possibly date you now."  

By the way, I have a blog all about that last phenomenon, which you can read here: 

If the answer to most or all of these questions is NO, why should I let you into my bed? You're probably toxic, and even an evening with you would be detrimental to my mental health. Why should I believe your open rhetoric if there’s no action to back it up? So why lie and lead me on?  

This isn’t rhetorical – TELL ME.  I’d like to hear from you.  Context is key. People are rude and ghost for a host of different reasons.  But again, when the vast majority of people in one category are kind and keen, and the vast majority of people in the other category are dismissive and cold, wouldn't you be asking questions too? 

Asking a Simple Question Can Protect My Safety & Mental Health: So Why Do So Many White People Hate Answering It?

If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my few but devoted followers.  Or… You’re probably someone who reacted negatively to a very basic question I asked you on a dating app.  

What’s the longest you’ve ever dated a Black or mixed race?  

It’s funny, because even the mere asking of this question has become the perfect racial Rorschach test.  White people who have had a relationship with a Black guy tend to be non-fussed.  They answer honestly and then often add something like, “Oh yeah. I see why you ask that. Makes sense.”  

White people who have never dated a Black person long term before or have not yet exposed themselves to some basic implicit bias training or the fundamentals of white fragility often act EXACTLY as Professor Robin D'Angelo predicts. 

How White Fragility Reinforces Racism

They always react hysterically.  They blame and attack me for asking them a simple question.  They tell me that "I don't know them, so I can't judge them."  Some of them even do the super myopic thing and tell me that I"M RACIST for bringing it up.  But never once do these people take a moment to think to themselves how they’ve just revealed that even the notion of potential disparate treatment of Black gay men on dating apps is triggering to them.  

To quote Shakespeare, "Me thinks the White Gay Man Doth Protest Too Much..."

This is a classical white fragility response to a very reasonable question.  Frankly, I'm glad when I ask, because the person who goes into full White Fragility Meltdown over a simple question is probably not someone who is ready to love a Black man.  They aren't ready to acknowledge society's systemic racism.  I would imagine they would be much more likely to gaslight me when the topic of systemic racism come up, or they'd likely to be far less sympathetic to me when I experience racism or micro-aggressions.  That's the type of guy who will say "Why are you getting so upset?  You should just let it roll off you like water off. duck's back."  And while I've never asked any of my white boyfriends to attend a BLM rally, I can't be with someone who refuses to acknowledge the existence that racism -- both in society and in the gay community have caused me.  

When I finish my next book, I will make no bones about the fact that my previous boyfriend was an active white supremacist as defined by Abrim X. Kendi in How to Be an Anti-Racist.  Already, I can hear the cogs whirling the minds of white people -- "If he was an active white supremacist, why did you date him?" And without digressing too much, he obviously didn't show his active white supremacist tendencies until the end of our relationship.   I knew had a lot of darkness in him.  He had an unspoken cruelty that I could sense and I never quite trusted.  But it's important to note that Kendi describes active white supremacists as white people who don't necessarily wear white sheets and salute Hitler very morning.  Active White Supremacists are people who actively work to keep racism in place -- even if in small ways.  And white guy can be attracted to Black men and yet still do things to harm them that are nothing short of cruel acts of white supremacy and racism.  

But in short, how a white man responds to this question is EXTREMELY INFORMATIVE as to revealing his level of racial awareness.  So if you are reading this question, think long and hard before attacking me.  Because it's not original.  It's happened dozens of times.  And it just makes you look like a racist douche bag, although you probably will see it as "winning the argument."  Yelling a litany of white fragility arguments at me doesn't make you smart.  It makes a moron who shows that he's too stupid to even watch a few YouTube videos on racism and racial awareness.  And to the extent that I don't argue back with you, it's because I've deemed that your awareness is so low, it's not worth my time to educate you.  I don't have that kind of patience.  But by all means, watch the YouTube link above.  

Why I Ask That Question? Part 1 - The Data

I realize we've gone this far, and I still haven't given you the reason as to WHY I ask this question.  Well, because the data tells me to.  

In short, if a white guy asks me out on a date, and he has had a relationship with a Black or mixed-race guy before, there is a 90% chance he will ask for a second date and/or third date.  That doesn't mean that we're guaranteed to fall in love.  But it means that overwhelmingly, he will want to get to know me better.  That doesn't mean there can't be drama or personality clashes -- we're still gay guys. But I do want to add one thing, because it will become important later... The reasons we stop dating are very specific.  

For example, we had an argument at dinner, and I said something he didn't like -- or visa versa.  He lived too far away or I moved too far away.  As a trend, the reason we don't end up as a couple is extremely concrete, and the majority of the time, we end up as mates later on down the line.  That's also key.  So even when we don't end up as boyfriends, these types of white men want to keep me in their life.  

Also, I would be remiss not to mention that when we re actually on the date, the white men who have a history of dating Black guys NEVER say anything that's racially offensive or awkward.  They are much more affectionate.  They say and do things that make me feel affirmed or special.  So the dates tend to be much more enjoyable. 

Now let's look at the other side of the scales... 

If a white guy asks me out, and he has never had a relationship with a Black or mixed-race guy before, there is only a 25% chance he will want a second date.  And for the rest of those guys, the date is often awkward.  They are not affectionate.  I recently had a white Italian guy ask me for legal advice to help his brother who lives in America.  But after I gave the advice, he wanted to leave -- didn't even give me a kiss goodbye.  These people are more likely to be awkward, say offensive things, and they're more likely to not be affectionate or say or do things that show me that they are not attracted to me in the slightest -- aka, I tend NOT to enjoy the date. 

And if I chase them or pursue them enough to get to a second date, it always ends the exact same way.  They almost always say the same thing, "Something just didn't click." Or "They just didn't feel the spark."  Now that's totally unreasonable.  Sometimes in dating it just doesn't click.  But notice that NO WHITE MAN who has previously had a relationship with a Black guy tells me "The spark just isn't there."  Again, they have a specific complaint, "You have a big mouth." Or "You moved away."  Are you starting to see a pattern here???

That's the data.  So if you were me, what group would you tend to prefer to date? 

So now that you've read my experience, why on earth would you get upset when I explain why this is important to me?  Please don't attack me for wanting to spend my time with people who have the highest chance of a relationship.  

If one group makes you feel special and is likely to keep you in their friendship group after the dating is over, and the other group is cold, distant and doesn't care about keeping you in their life, it would be MADNESS for me NOT to ask this question!  

A QUICK NOTE TO MY BLACK READERS:

ALL BLACK QUEER MEN SHOULD ASK ANY POTENTIAL WHITE GUY THIS QUESTION!

In fact, I am encouraging all of my Black readers to IMMEDIATELY BEGIN asking these types of questions.  You don't have to do it all the time, but before you invest your time, money or emotions into a white guy, ASK HIM!  How he has treated other Black men in the past is extremely telling of how he will treat you.  And in this regard, it's important to judge people by their past -- not by what they are saying about themselves when they've never picked up a book on implicit bias or systemic racism.  Most of these people aren't trying to hurt you.  But they're not above using you as an experiment to prove they're not racist.  If they date you one time, they can pat themselves on the back and say "Hey, I'm not racist.  Things just didn't magically click with Darnell."  They won't do any critical thinking about the situation.  They'll tell themselves that there was something wrong with YOU, and then they'll go back to only dating white men. 

Depending on how deep you want to get with these guys, you might want to ask:

1) How did the relationship end?  Who broke it off?  (Play close attention to who ended it and why.  Pay attention to see if the white men invested any emotional energy into dating the Black guy.  And then ask, 

2) If I asked the Black guy what happened, what would he say?  Now this is a powerful question, and if you ask it, and they aren't racially aware, I'd say there is a 99% chance they will react negatively or walk out the door.  

White people are masters of fiction when it comes to coming up with reasons as to why it's okay for them to devalue the lives, emotions and health (both mental and physical) of Black people.  Not all white people, mind you.  But enough that I have felt compelled to write a book about it.  So if you are a Black reader, your emotional well being is worth protecting.  And white people should affirm this, not attack it! 

But I digress... 

Why I ask that question - Part 2 - Extrapolating the Data. 

Now that we have a behavior pattern identified in a large number of white men who might go on one date with a black guy (or might do one hookup) but would never have a relationship with a Black guy, what can we extrapolate.  I freely admit this is harder to prove, because it's subjective in the hearts of white men.  And let me repeat, I am NOT saying all white men are the same.  But enough of them are toxic enough on racism that I felt compelled to write a book about it.  And after I wrote the book, I experienced so much more racism, I now have go back and re-write the whole damn thing! Ugh!   

Also, I have a doctorate from Harvard Law School, and I wrote the book: Grindr Survivr, which was unanimously well received -- among the few hundred people who read it, lol...  So I'm going to ask you to take on faith that because I have spent my entire adult life dealing with white people who have racist traits or implicit biases that they don't want to deal with, but inevitably bubble up to the surface.  So yes, I consider myself an expert on dating in the gay world... 

The Case of "Confused Connor" 

So I was chatting to a guy on Grindr, let's call him "Confused Connor."  At the beginning, Connor was anything but confused.  In fact, he was making what I called "boyfriend moves."  It's when a guy starts sending signals that he wants to be boyfriends as opposed to NSA/Fuck-buddies.  We would talk via WhatsApp for hours.  Even before we met, we'd spend days talking and texting.    He was genuinely keen to hear my stories -- both the sci-fi fantasy worlds I was creating, and the zany antics I'd get into trying to get discovered in publishing, theater and maybe even TV.  

No one had ever done this for me before.  Sure, others had listened, but not with the sheer interest that Connor had.  Sure, others wished me will, but Connor really seemed excited to hear what I was up to.  And no one's done that for me before -- white black, woke or not.  And it made me feel so special, that I began to drop my defenses.   I told myself, "Why not."  Connor and I were connecting.  The feeling was mutual.  We were vibing, it definitely felt like he and I were on a train that was headed to boyfriend town.  

Until, I asked that question...  

He didn't react with angry white fragility, but suddenly, he didn't want to hang out.  He wanted to cut our meets in half so he could spend more time in the gym.  He didn't want to be amorous, because he wasn't feeling well.  Or on our final date, he said, "I just wasn't feeling it tonight."  At first, he attempted to say that maybe things would shift back.  But when I suggested he and I spend a day together, he fessed up.  Whatever he felt, it was OVER.  I asked him specifically: what went wrong.  What made the feelings go away.  Guess what he said... "I don't know.  Maybe I guess I don't know what I want from a relationship. But it's not this." 

Let's unpack "this."  Was it the laughter we shared?  Was it the good food I cooked?  Was it the fun 3D movies we both liked?  Was it our great conversations?  All of that worked until I broached the topic of race.  I would assert that "this" meant Connor haven't to confront past actions or feelings that he felt were likely racist.  And that situation was so scary for him, it was easier to just kill the whole damn thing.  

And to be clear, Connor had never even met a Black guy for coffee before -- not one date, not one hookup -- nothing!  So in one sense, should I feel blessed, because I was the first Magical Negro that he ever attempted to date?  Some white people may feel that way, but I'm disappointed and angry.  Connor was not a safe person for a Black man to love.  But even though I was really upset, I do have to say that he did me a favor.  Because what would have happened if we had dated for a year, and then he pulled this, I would have been devastated.  So yeah, I dodged a bullet.  

But I want my white readers to see just how quickly white people will cut out Black people from their circles, whether it's dating or friendships, the INSTANT we say something that makes them feel uncomfortable on race.  It doesn't matter how much you do for them, how much you like them, how kind you are to them, how much love you have to share, you cross this line, and they cast you out.  And they never think twice about it. NEVER! 

The real tragedy (for me anyway), is that this didn't have to end this way.  His lack of racial understanding killed a potential miracle, but he could have used it as a growing opportunity.  It could have made our bond stronger.  And trust me, if he had watched a video about racism in response to this question, I would have known I had a keeper.  

But in the eyes of a white person who doesn't understand racism and doesn't want to be educated about racism, the miracle seems like a chore: a load of uncomfortable talks and things that he didn't want to be bothered with... And that sucks.  But it's also revealing as to whether you as a white man are capable of loving someone who isn't white.  They always have the choice to ignore the racial issues and find white people who will never press their limited racial world view.  And that's what his dating history shows he does -- even if he was saying he was "confused." 

Of course, I wasn't buying the "confusion" narrative, because I've heard it so many times before.  

He asked me, "What do you think it is?"  

I said, "I think you might have an unconscious block around dating someone who's not white."  

He responded with, "I knew you'd say that." 

His response here is quite telling.  He knew he was backing off.  He knew it had something to do with race, and the fact that it worried him meant that there was definitely truth in what I was asserting.  How do we know this?  When a white person is truly confident that they aren't being racist, they don't melt down on Black people for saying the wrong thing.  They don't punish the Black person for making the wrong accusation.  My mother is white, and she was recently working as a provost for a historically Black colldge in the USA.  One of her colleagues said she had "a white savior complex."  My mom was annoyed, but she didn't quit her job or fire the underling that said it.  My mom marched for civil rights in the 1960s.  She raised three Black children that weren't hers.  She raised a mixed-race son in Kentucky.  And she was a high ranking academic at a Black school.  She has nothing to prove.  So that comment, while annoying, didn't cause her to over-react. 

White people get more angry at potentially being called racist than they ever get about real life racism experienced by people like me every day! And it's EXHAUSTING!!! 

Compare my mom's reaction to Connor's, who felt his only reaction to that question was DESTROY EVERYTHING!  He didn't pick up a book on White Fragility.  He didn't watch a video on educating himself.  He just withdrew and decided that our relationship was dead, and he did not seem at all confused as to whether it was something worth fighting for.  He saw everything I had to offer (the love, the fish tacos, the laugher, the fun movie nights, the cuddles), and to him, it was worth nothing.  

Now of course, he doesn't think this consciously -- or if he does -- he tries to suppress it.  He stays in the "I'm confused/no spark" category.  But his situation is different, because there was a spark, he only decided to snuff it out when the topic of racism came up.  

But let me draw on my wider conclusions of dealing with white people... If they have never dated a black guy, or the spark just isn't there, at some point, not every Black guy in your city can be that inferior.  It's you.   Who you commit to, and who you will forgive, and who you will chase, are all extremely revealing about your character.  And staying "confused" is convenient.  You conveniently never have to examine how deep your implicit bias goes.  You can just shrug it off and say "Thank you, next." 

So if you are one of those white guys who gets confused when dating a non-white person, here are some things you should ask yourself:

1) When a person of color (POC) is nice to you, how do you treat them in return? 

2) After a date or two with a POC, who killed off the potential for future dates? You or the other guy?

3) Have you ever taken a risk and made yourself emotionally vulnerable around a POC? 

4) Have you ever forgiven a POC who has made a mistake? 

5) Have you distanced yourself from the POC when they bring up the topic of racism?  (Either from you or from something else they experienced). 

Forget what you think you would do if the "Perfect Black Man" rode in on a stallion.  What have you done in the past?  How would you answer these five questions?  

Now honestly ask yourself - is a Black man loving me a potentially harmful endeavor?  

Don't look away.  Don't slide back into "confused" territory.  Be honest with yourself.  

And now think of things from my perspective. If you've never done anything romantic for a Black guy before, wouldn't it be naive of me to think you'll change just for me?  

The confusion that Connor and other white people experience is a great way to side-step the guilt or shame that they have probably mistreated people of color in the past, and that their own preferences are just too far gone in order for them to genuinely love someone who's not white.  And maybe for people like Connor, it's logical.  He's a nice looking guy.  He will have no time finding a white guy who will love him and never make him question his limited white racial world view.  

Here's my honest take.  Connor would have been a great guy to date -- until race reared its head.  The instant that topic came up, he'd probably one of those boyfriends who would tell me "Don't get mad. Just let it roll off you."  The type of white guy who sends boyfriend signals to a Harvard educated, lawyer, who owns his own flat, is ambitious and up to big things, and then radically switches off like that... That's not the result of spark not going anywhere.  His limited racial worldview got pressed, and he saw all of my amazing qualities, he saw all the things we could have done together, and he was like, "Nope." 

This is not uncommon by the way.  In my previous blog, I talk about "Never Ever Whites" and "Hufflepuffs," two types of white guys on Grindr.  

Never Ever Whites are white men who will never want to date a Black person no matter what.  Hufflepuffs are white people who are very much open to dating men of different races.  The problem is white people don't want to believe that they have deep seated unconscious biases that rob them of miracles.  That's a very difficult conversation for them to have, particularly if they aren't open to reading a book. 

I'm not saying Connor is an active white supremacist.  I'm NOT even saying Connor is being intentionally racist.  But there's a lesson here for both white and Black people.  

Your dating history states equivocally whether a Black man is safe around you.  If I'm not safe, can you honestly be mad at me for trying to protect my mental health and my heart?  

I would have fallen head over heels for a guy who couldn't handle my blackness.  Please don't put me in that same situation ever again.  So if I need to ask you a few questions for me to feel comfortable dating you, please don't react and punish me for trying to protect myself.  The vast majority of the time, I'm spot on.

One Final Tip (To End on a Hopeful Note) 

So... If you're reading this and feel a bit "confused," the most obvious thing is to read a book!  Go read White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo -- or at least watch some of her YouTube video lectures.  Alternatively, you can pick up, "How to be an Anti-Racist" by Kendi.    

Here's Abrim Kendi talking about Anti-racism here: 

But I will give you one tip if you're white and you realize that you may have mistreated Black men in the past and you want to do better but don't know how to express it.  

If a Black guy asks you "Have you ever dated a Black guy before?"  And you sincerely want to learn -- and you're not going to gaslight them on their experiences of racism and you're not going to get confused as to whether you like them -- say: 

"I haven't, but I know it's something I need to work on.  That's why I started reading [X] book.  But I know I've got a lot to learn, and if it's okay with you, I'd like to get to know you, but I may at times may make mistakes or say stupid things."  

Say this -- and mean it.  And there just might be hope for the next generation. 

Dance For Me, Negro! Dance! (Are You a 'Mediocre' White Man Demanding Black Guys Tap Dance to Keep Your Attention?)

My friend Josh Rivers, who runs the Busy Being Black podcast, joked in an Instagram story once, "If I'm going to experience racism, at least let it be from nice looking white people who don't avoid the dentist."  

He went on to point out that often what he describes as "mediocre whites" (to be fair in Britain, where their teeth may not be great), who - in his experience - often look down on amazing people of color and imagine themselves as superior to everyone else.  And he encouraged other Black queer men to look to ensure that they aren't chasing these "mediocre whites," whose smiles look like a bag of nails...

THIS WAS A JOKE!

Now this was all a joke.  But someone once said, comedy isn't about being technically accurate, it's about saying what's true.  And at first, I thought he was being a bit harsh.  But then the more I reflected and looked at this scenario, and I definitely thought this joke had a kernel of truth that was worth exploring.  I haven't had an in-depth discussion with Josh about this.  But Josh is an amazing human being, and both he and I have definitely had a similar experience of feeling confident in our abilities and what we bring to the table in terms of dating and having been left feeling devalued or less than by white men.  First of all, he's drop dead gorgeous.  Like mixed-race people are a nice looking people in general.  But Josh stands out even amongst our handsome tribe.  The perfect skin, the amazing bone structure, the rocking body...  Damn it Josh, I hate you for being so much prettier than me, lol... But the man is beautiful.  

Second, Josh is a true intellectual.  Let me keep it real as a Harvard lawyer.  I am NOT an intellectual.  I'm super smart.  But I'm not an intellectual at all.  I'm way to ADHD.  For me, learning new things, intellectual argument and reason is to solve a problem, so I can move on.  Josh genuinely loves the journey of learning and discovering.  Josh has confessed to me on a few occasions that he's mildly envious of the educational opportunities I have had.  And yes, I have gone to some of the best universities in the world.  And if I could magically give Josh a ticket to Harvard, I so would.  He would have made far more use out of it than I did.  

Third and perhaps more importantly, Josh has a calling to make a difference in the gay community.  I love and respect this so much.  I occasionally text him to just to thank him for making a difference.  Now, think about this.  He was a gay journalist.  He now runs an insanely popular podcast that gives a voice to marginalized queer people of color.  He writes poetry.  He helps organize UK Black Pride every year, where queer people of color can have a space to celebrate and feel affirmed.  Josh is just an amazing human being.  

To my white readers who might look down on dating him or other amazing black men (or to those who have treated him terribly in the past), what have you done for the gay community?  

Have you done any of this?  I don't know.  I'm sure some of you have and some of you haven't.  But what Josh gave voice to, albeit perhaps flippantly, is that it can be frustrating when you -- as a gay black man -- know you have a lot to offer, you're confident in yourself, your intellect, your contribution to the queer community and/or your contribution to society at large -- and white men who haven't accomplished a tenth of what you have look down on you, because of your skin color.  

Now, in theory, everyone can intellectual say "Well, that's wrong."  But what Josh flippantly quipped may hold some truth that I'd like to ask my white readers to consider.  

ARE YOU AN AVERAGE / MEDIOCRE WHITE GUY LOOKING DOWN ON AMAZING PEOPLE OF COLOR?

And yes, I accept that this is not a PC term at all.  All human beings are of equal worth.  And the term 'mediocre whites' was meant as a JOKE to provoke thought.  And that's what it did.  Perhaps, some might argue that I shouldn't use the term "mediocre whites" in this blog.  And let me be clear, I AM NOT SAYING ALL WHITES ARE RACIST AND/OR MEDIOCRE.  I'm not even saying the majority of white people are racist and/or mediocre.  I'm sharing a pithy comment that prompted some soul searching on my part.  And as a Black man who grew up in the American south, a lot of white people looked down on me and made me feel "less than."  And yet, Josh Rivers had a pithy joke to both help me see my value, look to make sure I'm not chasing a guy who really isn't a good match for me, and yes, he made me laugh with some politically incorrect humor.  If you have a more PC way of describing this phenomenon, let me know.  (And that's not sarcasm, actually, do let me know!)

But let's be clear: we all look for "good qualities" in men we are evaluating as potential boyfriends.  And yes, these qualities are extremely subjective.  But some of them pop up more than others.  First, I accept, men are more superficial than women -- as a trend.  So let's accept that we all want to date someone we think is handsome.  Career is also status symbol.  Maybe it shouldn't be.  But at the least, it can be a signal for some people.  I'm not arguing that there are lots of contextual factors in dating.  But a number of things tend to come up for most people when looking for a potential partner.  And another is common interest, hobbies, activism, things like that.  

But when I looked in my own life, I definitely saw something similar to Josh's experience.  A number of white men, who didn't have my intellectual experience, credentials, career, or commitment to making a difference, still did things that left me feeling that they looked down on me or they didn't see my value as a human being.  And yes, when you get into the realm of feelings, it's so much more subjective.  And yet, this is my experience, too.  So said another way...  

A LOT OF WHITE MEN LEAVE BLACK MEN FEELING UNDER-VALUED

Now the problem with this assertion, in theory, is that it's harder to prove.  I can ask white readers "How many boyfriends have you had and were any of them people of color?"  And this is a binary number.  Alternatively, I can ask, "How many second dates have you had with people of color?"  And those questions can be very revealing.  By the way, I've already written a blog on how white men should look at their dating histories and look through their phones and ask themselves if they have an unconscious racial bias. 

http://www.grindrsurvivr.net/2021/06/implicit-bias-in-online-dating-what.html

But when you get into the realm of bad attitudes or nonchalant texting, it's harder to make a solid case.  But given that I've tried to really keep all my previous blogs in the realm of actions and spoken words, I think I've earned a little bit of leeway to discuss my feelings on interracial dating.  And as I talk to other people of color, I find that these feelings are widespread.  

White men -- who sometimes aren't even that hot or accomplished in their careers -- act as if they can just be barely interested in dating a person of color.  

*The black or Asian man is ALWAYS the first to initiate a conversation online.  

* The Black/Asian man ALWAYS asks the white man if he wants to go on a date. 

* The Black/Asian man ALWAYS has to follow up to confirm the date, less the white man flake out. 

*It's the Black/Asian guy who is ALWAYS asking for a second date or further commitment.  

Conversely...

* It's the white man who always looks for the smallest of reasons to cancel a date or end communication

* It's always the white man who thinks he's right about everything - dating and racial

* The white man forgives very great flaws found in other whites, while condemning the minor flaws in people of color (Just look at Trump supporters if you want to see this on a macro level). 

Again, I refer you to my previous blog post above on implicit bias if you want more ways to quantitatively see what kinds of men you are chasing.  But I also have a more general blog on white privilege in the gay community as well: 

http://www.grindrsurvivr.net/2021/05/white-privilege-on-gay-scene-aka-things.html

Now some of this is endemic to the human condition.  There are jerks of every race.  Plenty of Black men can be flaky too.  But if one race is held up as the "ideal", then might there not be an incentive or might society not allow mediocre people of the "ideal race" to get away with being jerks to people of the "undesired race"?  

So I'm asking my white readers... Again, look at your dating history to evaluate whether you are giving people of color a chance.  And even if you are, let me follow up with a second question: Are you acting disinterested or making amazing people of color chase you?  And if so, are you genuinely that special?  Or might you be allowing the way society values whiteness to stop you from checking your bad behavior?  

Now often I find that white men have maybe been turned down by one Black guy who was - if we're being superficially inclined -- was WAY out of their league in terms of looks.  And they use that as an excuse not to look closer at their dating trends.  So don't just think of the one Denzel Washington who didn't chat to you on Tinder.  Look at the men who were trying to get to know you.  

And maybe I can't prove this theory in a court of law the way I can other blog posts, but it's my lived experience.  And while I'm smart enough that I can see these signs early on, other Black and Asian men may not.  I have zero qualms about calling out a white man who I think doesn't see my value.  But other people of color might be hesitant to call you out for this.  In your world, you might think you are super progressive, because you aren't ignoring the black/Asian man at all.  But after a while constantly chasing a guy who isn't that keen is not fun.  

TAP DANCING TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION IS EXHAUSTING! 

TAKE A MOMENT TO ASSESS YOURSELF!

Let's suppose I was going to be a gay Judge Judy figure, as in an intelligent Harvard lawyer were going to give you (the alleged white guy who demands that people of color tap dance for his approval) a frank assessment as to whether you fall into this category...  (And again, I'm not being sarcastic or hyperbolic - if you're white ask yourself if a smart Black guy were assessing me, what would he say?)..  And I were to assess your credentials versus those of the person of color whom you don't seem keen to meet or interact with, what might my verdict be?  

* If I was to look at his CV versus the Asian guy who keeps messaging you, who's got the better university degree or career?  (Not saying this is indicative of your value as a whole.  But I'm saying many people see this as a signal - including probably most of my white readers, and we're trying to figure out who is BF quality and who is mediocre...) 

* If I was to look at the Black Guy's photo and rate his attractiveness compared to yours, even though you told him you didn't want a second date, who is hotter?  (Again, white people have unconscious biases when it comes to what's attractive, so that's why I said imagine a person of color were making this assessment)  

* If I was to look at his contributions to the queer community versus yours, who's done more?  

* Who's making an effort and who is being lazy in the conversation? 

What would I conclude??? 

So again, I have to ask my white readers, "Are you a mediocre white man asking Black men to do back flips to keep your attention?"  

Maybe don't get defensive about it.  But maybe ASK the people of color in your life whether you have left them feeling undervalued!  

Because if every person of color you date feels that way, then there is definitely something for you to look at.  

And maybe the real work that needs to be done is people of color need to begin to examine our own unconscious attitudes on race to where we, as queer people of color, stop interacting with white men who don't value us at all. 

And by the way... Give Josh Rivers a follow!  Instagram @_busybeingblack 

And check out his podcast, Busy Being Black! https://www.busybeingblack.com

Implicit Bias in Online Dating: What White Men Need to Know!

A LITTLE STORY ABOUT MUSIC:

In the 1970's the New York Symphony orchestra (one of the most prestigious orchestras in the world) was over 93% white men.  That's right.  93 per cent!  For years, women and minorities had stated that they felt like good, qualified applicants were the victims of discrimination.  But the hiring board of the orchestra fought back.  They claimed that they were liberal and progressive and so "NOT RACIST," but they just believed that all of the white men who came in to apply were just stronger musicians.  The hiring board refused to engage in what they called "tokenism" or "affirmative-action."  But they claimed that there was no racial bias.  

So after years of wrangling, the hiring board agreed to do something different.  All the applicants would perform from BEHIND A CURTAIN.  They would only hear the applicant's music.  They would not get to see the race or gender of the applicant until the final stage.  

Guess what happened???  

Within ten years, the number of women and minorities in the New York Symphony Orchestra jumped from 7% to 34%.  That is an increase in almost FOUR HUNDRED PERCENT!  

Hmmm...  So what happened?  Did a bunch of women and black musicians magically appear from thin air?  No...  Once the white men started hiring purely on the basis of aptitude and they removed the ability to pre-judge a candidate's performance purely by their race and gender (at least until the final stage of the interview process) they found that their own implicit bias was cutting out a lot of qualified women and minority candidates.  

ANOTHER LITTLE STORY ABOUT LAWYERS: 

I'm sure you've all heard news stories of organizations sending applications with the exact same credentials to potential employers: one has a "black sounding name" and the other has a "white sounding name."  And overwhelmingly, the resume with the white sounding name gets moved to the next round of interviewing...  

But let's take it one step deeper.  Years ago, in New York City, an academic wanted to examine implicit bias in hiring among lawyers.  Keep in mind, most lawyers are Democrats.  Many of whom are/were liberal.  So this is a group that doesn't believe that it's hostile to diversity.  Here's what one NYC academic did.  

He sent a legal memo that was IDENTICAL to two different groups of white male law firm partners and asked them to read the memo and decide whether they would hire the person who wrote the memo.  Now in reality, the professor wrote the memo himself (he just told the groups that his law students had written the memo).  The professor added specifically 26 errors to the legal memo!  Twenty Six!  And he wanted to see how the white men would react.  

The white men who reviewed the memo from a student they were told was a white male student said two things: First, they caught less than half of the errors!  Second, they said of the theoretical white male applicant, "Yes, he's a bit rough around the edges, but we'll give him a chance to prove himself."  

For the group of white men who were judging the theoretical black applicant, they found almost all of the 26 errors and they said that they would not hire this black applicant, because their work was sub-standard.  

So what can we conclude??? 

CONCLUSION: WHITE MEN HOLD OTHER WHITE MEN TO A DIFFERENT STANDARD THAN THEY DO WOMEN AND PEOPLE OF COLOR.  

There is literally no shortage of articles and data that backs this point up.  Again, white people may not be intending to be racist or prejudiced.  But it happens.  That's why it's called IMPLICIT BIAS.  Whites are often not aware that they are doing it. 

And yes, black people and women can also have implicit biases.  Everyone can have implicit biases.  But when one group dominates politics, business, culture, entertainment and all the other groups have relatively little power or positions of prestige, the biases of minorities have a much harder time impacting the white majority in any substantial way.  

LET'S SEE WHETHER YOU HAVE AN IMPLICIT BIAS IN DATING! 

So if white men can have implicit biases in business and hiring, isn't it also possible that white men can have implicit biases in dating?  

When I write about race, I hear some of my white friends, who are definitely not racist and I love them to bits, often say things that are just really stupid.  I'm sorry, there's just no other way to say it.  The opinions are ignorant, uninformed and just don't really show any awareness or understanding of white privilege and white fragility.  But I know for a fact that these people aren't racist, and as I said, I LOVE THEM.  These are good people.  So if good white people can have very uninformed views, then so could a lot of other people.  And perhaps, racial bias on dating apps if far wider and pervasive than many "non-racist white people" believe.  

So if you're white, let's do a little experiment to see if you have an implicit bias in your dating habits.  

DATINGS APPS:

Who Are the People That You Message First? 

Open up Gridr, Scruff, Hinge or Tinder and look and see.  Look at the people where you begin a chat.  Only when you start the chat.  Look and see the results.  Do you only message white people first?  (It very well could be the case that you tend to message Black men first.)  I'm not saying you're bad or wrong.  I'm just asking you to look and see.  

Who Are the People YOU Ask Out on a Date? 

So keep looking at your messages.  Find the guys that you ask out on a date.  (Or a shag if you're that way inclined).  Not the people who approach you.  Look at the people that you openly state "Hey, let's definitely meet up."  

Is there a racial discrepancy?  

What Happens When Black People Start the Chat?

Now... Go back through your Grindr, Tinder or whatever and look for areas where someone from a Black or Ethnic Minority background started a chat with you.  Do you continue the chat until you decide to ask them out?  Or do you just let the chat die?  Does the BME person ask you out and you come up with a polite reason to decline?  

Look for racial discrepancies.  

TEXTING / WHATSAPP

Who Are the People YOU Ask Out on a Date? 

Now... Keep this same question going, but look through WhatsApp, your texting messages, Facebook Messenger or Instagram Messages.  Look for the people that YOU AFFIRMATIVELY ASK SOMEONE TO MEET UP.  Again, look for a racial discrepancy.  If you have WhatsApp look and see - maybe all the profile pictures are all white.  Just notice and observe a racial discrepancy.  

Again, this doesn't mean that you're racist.  I didn't say that.  But you might be noticing an implicit bias at this point. 

Who Are the People That You SPONTANEOUSLY Re-Start a Chat With?

So... We've all done it.  Maybe the chat fizzled out for some reason.  Maybe you got busy with work and forgot to message someone back.  Maybe you were going through a tough time and needed to disconnect.  

But now, go back through your phone and look at the people where things fizzled out and yet YOU MADE THE EFFORT to re-start the conversation.  Just look at the different people.  What do you notice?  Is there a racial discrepancy. 

ACTUAL DATING

It's about to get real uncomfortable...  

Who Did You Last Rearrange Your Schedule For?  

Anyone can wait for the "perfect" time to find a date.  But circumstances rarely align perfectly -- except on Saturday nights at 3AM, apparently...  Some men you are keen to meet and others, less so.  So take a moment and go through your phone - either texting, apps or your memory and ask yourself "Who was the last guy that I inconvenienced myself for?"  Maybe you rearranged something for him?  Maybe you canceled a drinks with a mate for a shot shag?  Maybe you got someone to cover your shift at work...  Just think back to these kinds of situations.  Who did you rearrange your schedule for?  Was he white or black?  

This also works in the hypothetical sense as well.  Maybe look and see - Who was the last guy when he messaged you online, you thought "Yeah, I'd cancel on my best friend to shag this new guy!"  What did he look like?  

Now nobody has to know the truth other than yourself.  But ask yourself "Do I rearrange my schedule for white guys?  And do I make men of color wait until the timing is perfect?"  Take a look at the situations above and tell me what you think. 

Who Did You Want a Second Date With?

Go through in your head the last three or four dates that you had.  Maybe five if you've had a busy month since the pandemic started to ease up.  (And yes, this can involve hookups, assuming you are up for an on-going friends with benefit interaction with someone).  Ask yourself, who did you want a second date with?  What races were these people?  Is there a racial discrepancy?  

Who Did You NOT Want a Second Date With? 

Now... Look at the last 3 to 5 dates you had and ask yourself, who did you DEFINITELY NOT want to have a second date with?  Is there a racial discrepancy.  If all the white guys you met got second dates, but none of the black guys did, you might have an unconscious bias.  

Who Were You On the Fence About? 

Now, go back and look at these 3 to give dates and ask yourself, who were you ambivalent about?  Maybe yes, maybe no, you really weren't too bothered either way.  Again, look for a racial discrepancy.  

What Happened on the Last Three Dates w/ a Non-White Person?

So... Think back to the last three or four dates that you had with men who were not white.  (Maybe you haven't even had three dates with men who weren't white, which that is a big signal that you have a very strong bias against people who aren't white).  

How did those dates end?  What was your reaction?  Did you want a second date or were you just not that fussed?  (It's entirely possible that you did want a second date, and he didn't text you back).  

I'm not saying that you are racist or he is racist.  I'm just asking you to look for racial discrepancies.   But if none of the white people you are meeting for coffee are making it past Starbucks, after a while your track record speaks for itself. Maybe you just don't want to date a non-white person.

But here's another place to look... Has more than one person of color called you racist?  I don't know you. at all  And I don't know if you are a racist.  But if the people you are dating get a racist vibe off of you (even if you don't mean to send it out), maybe your energy towards people of color is definitely sending a signal that they are not affirmed, desired or wanted.  Maybe you're being rude to them, because on one level, you're trying to push them away.  Again, I am no mind reader, I'm just asking you to look. 

COMMITMENT

So... Who are you likely to commit to?  Are there any trends?  Let's look and see. 

What were the races of your last two or three boyfriends?  Do you have a type?  Do they all look alike?  Do they all look like you?  Are they all one race?  They might have other characteristics - like maybe they all had really BIG... Personalities! Lol...  Maybe you go for gregarious, confident men.  Maybe you like bad boys.  Look at the characteristics - both internal and external.  But also observe whether there are any discrepancies in race?

By the way, I'm not saying you're racist.  If you live in a town like Aberdeen, Scotland, it's going to be significantly less diverse than cities like London or New York.  But still... The point is to constantly be questioning your own biases.  If you never question your own biases, how can you expect to grow?

***

I posted this meme purely as a joke on my @GrindrSurvivr Instagram account.  It was purely meant to be a little funny.  And this made me laugh, but it created a lot of controversy.  A lot of people got into a massive debate into the comment sections. 

I thought it was funny, because it's kind of true.  I notice a lot of couples date people who look just like they do.  Again, that's not bad.  But it's what I observe. 

IN CONCLUSION...  WHAT DID YOU SEE ABOUT YOURSELF?

Well, to be honest, the main issue is for you to look at your behavior and notice who you are willing to invest time into and see who you are not willing to invest time into.  Maybe there are racial discrepencies.  Maybe there aren't.  

By the way, this exercise is still great from a non-racial perspective.  Maybe you just chase muscly meat-heads who you know are going to treat you like crap.  Maybe you're looking past some really great guys (of all races) to chase the perfect body or the largest "eggplant."  Again, I wrote a non-racial book to help empower you in your dating choices.  It's called @GrindrSurvivr.

So What if You Noticed Racial Discrepancies?  

But my next book is about racism in dating apps.  And implicit bias is a major issue.  

So, if you looked back at your behavior and you noticed a racial bais against people of color, what are you going to do about it?  

There are only two options really: either you actively choose to work on it, and you actively choose to NOT work on it.  

But be clear... It's your choice!  Obviously, it's better for more white people to work on their racial bias.  It can in fact save lives.  But also be clear, if you choose NOT to work on it, you're unwilling to make the gay community a more welcoming place for queer people of color.  So if we complain about racism or "racial preferences" you can't get defensive about it.  You powerfully chose to do nothing, so please just politely keep your mouth shut.  

Also, you need to be honest with yourself and stop LYING to people of color (not to mention yourself) about how open and "woke" you are.  If you're not going to go to work on your racial biases, then you're not really woke.  You just want to virtue signal.  And that doesn't help queer people of color at all.  

I have one final thought to leave you with...

Given what I've explained here (regarding implicit bias), and given what I've explained in my previous blog post (about white privilege in the gay scene)...

Why should a queer person of color take a risk on you?  Why should we put our mental health (and occasionally our safety) on the line for you?  

I'm not being rhetorical.  I actually want you to take a moment and think about this.  Why should a person of color take a risk on someone who has a lot of implicit bias against them?  If you now know that you are very likely to not text back, if it's unlikely that you actually want to date us, but only use us to either fulfill a fetish fantasy or meet us for a drink only for you to say "Yeah, we just didn't hit it off", why should we interact with you at all?  

Maybe it's better for our own self-esteem to try to find people who don't have your implicit biases...  

And maybe you need to quit kidding yourself about it.  Stop patting yourself on the back for meeting an Asian guy for coffee, when you knew deep down inside you had no interest in him.  Stop wasting the time of people of color.  Stay out of the way.  Don't be rude or aim your now overt biases at us.  Don't make us feel less than for not being white -- there are already way too many white people who do that.  Just politely be silent and let us find other BME queer people who can affirm us or other white people who genuinely appreciate our good qualities.  

Alternatively, would it kill you to put a little bit more effort in when it comes to dating people of color?  I'm not asking you give a kidney to a stranger.  But a little bit of kindness goes a long way.  You have a lot of privilege and opportunity in the gay community.  White gay men bend over backwards to accommodate other white gay men - whether that's sexually or their personality quirks.  

Would it kill you to demonstrate some genuine interest in people who are awesome but don't get all the perks of white privilege that you take for granted?  

What's the point of having that privilege if you never use it to help other people who don't?  

Be Prepared for a Direct Question: Have you Ever Dated (as in a Committed Relationship) with a Person of Color Before???

Now... As a Harvard lawyer, who spends way too much time thinking and analyzing these issues, I am very well aware that many white men have an unconscious bias against nonwhite people.  But obviously, I can't send everyone a link to this blog, expect them to read it and give me an excel file print out of how their dating preferences play out in the real world.  I ask my readers and the people I date to give me some honest answers, but even this would be too much.  

So what if I've told you that I, as a Black gay man, have come up with a super simple question that has over a 90% success rate at letting me know whether your unconscious biases against non-white people might be a problem if I wanted to date you.  

And if you hadn't guessed from the heading, the question is simple: Have you ever dated a black or mixed-race guy before?  

This question is simple and it's INSANELY EFFECTIVE.  I'll get into the full details of the effectiveness in my next book.  But this is the perfect question to suss out someone's potential implicit biases.  And the results don't lie.  

The vast majority of white men who HAVE DATED someone who looks like me (ie a Black guy or a mixed race guy) ask for a second date.  The vast majority of white men who have NEVER DATED a person of color do NOT ask for a second date.  (I'll get into the details of this in my next book, but this is totally valid evidence for me)

In the age of Grindr, gay men have a LOT of dating options.  So who they are willing to commit to is extremely revealing.  If you are willing to cut off all dating options (white men and Black men) to pursue a relationship with a Black man, there is over a 90% chance that either don't have a strong implicit bias AGAINST dating people of color.  And it certainly would make me feel more comfortable before I expend any energy in getting to know you.  

If you've only met a few Black guys for coffee once, and none of them got second dates or even got to date you causally for a few weeks, then you're probably not someone I want to get to know.  Your dating history shows that you probably don't value people of color.  And I don't want to upset you or deal with your white fragility.  But it is my right to take this limited amount of data and act accordingly.  

Noe some people will scream "That's not fair!"  And in some sense, they're not wrong.  You genuinely do have to meet everyone to a get a full sense of who they are.  (In my book, I argue that people should always give second dates to guys who ask them, simply because first dates can be so awkward.). But at the same time, racism is rampant in the gay community.  And lots of gay men want to act racist in their boyfriend choices, but want to pretend to the outside world that they are open minded to dating people of different colors.  But I've just gotten a little ahead of the curve, and I would encourage more gay men of color to follow suit.  Black men should not feel afraid or hesitant to start asking these types of questions...

START ASKING WHITE MEN IF THEY DATE and/or FORM RELATIONSHIPS WITH NON-WHITE MEN!!!

I'm a muscular, Harvard lawyer, who is intelligent, funny, kind and sensitive.  I write books; I have no fear of commitment, and I am actively working to transform my community.  I'm not a basic bitch. I'm the real deal.  And I don't want to date someone who only thinks "Yeah, he's hot for a black guy."  Or,... "He's okay, maybe I'll meet him for coffee."  Or... "Maybe I'd fuck him at 3AM, but I'd never date him."  

I want someone who thinks I'm amazing and wants to get to know the real me.  But because I'm not white, the easiest way to suss through people's unconscious biases is to look at the results they are producing for themselves.  Look, I know I have a lot to offer.  But I also know that most white guys just can't look past my color.  And I want to avoid those people at all costs.  And if asking this one question helps guard my self esteem and mental health, white people need to respect that without calling me "crazy" or "stupid."  (And yes, these insults tend to come from people whose academic backgrounds are not as prestigious as my own.  But since when have white people not derided intelligent black men that they deem to be "uppidy.")

And in my experience, the data doesn't lie.  Don't get me wrong.  I still get disappointed.  Things often don't go the way I want.  But for the first time inn my life, I can enjoy being single.  I can enjoy dating!  I don't have to walk into dates with the burden and fear that this white gay has an unconscious bias against my skin color.  We're just free to connect, laugh and get to know each other.  And by the way, I'm really good at that.  

Am I asking for special treatment? Definitely not.  Most white men get to take this for granted.  It's a very rare date where a white guy can't walk in and know with absolute confidence that his race will not be held against him. So if you get this white privilege, then don't begrudge me trying to get a fraction of it in my own life, particularly as it helps keep me sane.  If you know that the gay scene is racist, if you know that Black gay men have to deal with a lot more shit than white gay men, why are you getting fragile and butt-hurt when I ask you to answer a simple question that will help increase my chances of finding happiness.

I have more to say on this topic, but it's getting late, and I'm getting tired.  But I think you get the gist... 

White Privilege on the Gay Scene: (aka Things White Men Never Have To Worry About)

While I'm working on writing a book on racism in the gay community, I wanted to start to begin to have a conversation about listing a lot of things that people of color don't get from a gay community that largerly only affirms whiteness and holds Black people as less desirable.  Since this is a blog, it may not be a perfect explanation.  (I promised that it will be handled better in my forthcoming book: Grinding While Black...). But for now, it's a start.  

If you have thoughts to share, let me know on Instagram: @GrindrSurvivr 

So let's talk about white privilege and things that white men don't have to consider or be worried about when dating in the gay community.

1.  PEOPLE WILL HIT ON YOU AND BUY YOUR DRINKS. You can walk into virtually any gay bar or club (or certainly the overwhelming majority in the West – North America, Europe, Australia) and never have to worry about whether your skin color will be an issue for people.  AKA – people are more likely to buy you a drink, chat you up and hit on you if you’re white. 

        (A) To this day, I can count on one hand, the number of times men have offered to buy me drinks.  This seems to be a regular occurrence for my white friends.  

        (B) Often, white men give me strange looks when I go to clubs, as if to say that they don’t want me there or I’m taking up space.  

        (C) Alternatively, sometimes white people are nice to me, but only when I’m hanging out with a white guy that they fancy, so they try to use me as an intermediary to get to the white person they truly desire. 

        (D) I've noticed that many of my white friends get offered things, beyond drinks, that no one has EVER offered me.  This can include: free holidays to places, free theater tickets, invitations to exclusive parties etc etc.  The fact is, when people think you're attractive, they go out of their way to impress you.  When you're not deemed desirable for whatever reason, they don't.  (Again, that's not to say that every white person gets this A-list treatment.  But what I'm saying is hot white guys get it a whole lot more than hot black guys). 

(2) MORE DATING OPTIONS ONLINE! You can go onto any dating app and be absolutely assured that your skin color/race will not count against you with the majority of Grindr users.  Guys online message and interact with people they find attractive.  That’s just the nature of the beast.  And if white is deemed attractive and black/non-white is deemed unattractive, people of color have far fewer options online.  

        (A) While it is becoming less common, white men still make overtly racist statements on their Grindr profiles and in messages about not dating outside of their race.  They publicly sneer at the prospect of dating a person of color, and they don't care how this nastiness damages the self-esteem of others.  This is something that white people never have to endure.  (That's not to say white people never get rude messages, but is will rarely if ever be simply because of their skin color)  

        (B) One study, which I'll properly source in my book, found that a blank profile with the word "White" as their race classification, got FOUR TIMES as many messages as a handsome black guy with a profile picture.  

        (C) I've noticed that many white men often brag about how many guys they can get.  While this is not racist in and of itself, bragging about all your Grindr conqeuests to a person of color is the emotional equivalent of Paris Hilton telling people to "Stop being poor."  It's rude and tone deaf.  It's a not-so-subtle reminder that you get loads of advantages and privileges that I and many other people of color will never get.  

(3) WHITE MEN CAN AFFORD TO BE FLAKY (AND RUDE).  The more dating options a white man has, the more he can be casual, flaky, and rude to people, and gay men will tolerate it, because he’s hot and white, and he doesn't need to be mindful of other people's feelings.  That’s not to say that super-hot people of color can’t also be flaky or out of touch with reality due to their good looks.  But it is a lot rarer -- and society doesn't placate them or bend over backwards to affirm them BECAUSE of their race. It's in spite of their race usually. 

The more people who fancy you, the more you can be a slime ball and get away with it.  (And yes, I wrote a non-racial book on how we all should treat each other better, regardless of race.  So if you want to hear my views on that, go read it!  But we can’t talk about dating privilege and bad behavior online, without addressing racial issues and disparities). 

        (A) When a white man cancels a date on another white man, the white guy is reasonably assured that he can find other options, even if it’s last minute.  All he need do is open Grindr.  Since people of color have far fewer dating options, we literally can’t afford to be flaky.  And when a white man flakes out on us, we have fewer opportunities to rescue our evening.  

        (B) Also, when a white man cancels on a black man, the black man has to wonder whether his race played a factor.  

If the white guy simply isn’t keen to meet a person of color for a date, but he doesn’t want to confront his own internal racial dating preferences, he might casually flake on a black guy, but tell himself, “Well, I flaked on him, but it wasn’t because he was black.”  This may or may not be true.

But as a person of color, white people send you signals that you are not desired and you don’t deserve basic respect.  So because white people don’t want to confront their own racism, sometimes that can and will express itself as flakiness.

This is an extremely heavy emotional burden for us to carry.  And yes, white people can be flaked on, but they don't carry the same burden of constantly questioning whether the flakiness was due to racism.  

        (C) If you're white, here's a quick test.  Go through your phone and look at the last three people you flaked out on or brushed off.  And then look at the last three men that you chased, or re-arranged your schedule to meet.  And look to see if there is a racial disparity.  You may not like the answer...

(4) EASIER TO FIND COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS! You can go on any date and be virtually assured that your race will not be a hinderance in the other person’s perception of you or his ability to connect with you - physically or mentally.  AKA – you don’t have to worry about your race working against you if he is looking for a boyfriend.  You don't have to go into a date wondering, “Will this guy be closed to a relationship with me, simply because of my skin color?”  You never go on a date and wonder – “Does he have the mindset of ‘I’d shag a black guy but never date one.’”  In fact, you can be confident that anyone you have met has likely been in committed relationship with another white person.  

        (A) Also, sometimes white people – feeling guilty that they might be “sexual racists” – will meet a person of color for coffee in order to pat themselves on the back.  “See. I’m not a racist.”  But they never had any intent of taking it further.  They might lie to themselves and say, "Oh, I would date a black man - so long as he's insanely hot, insanely smart, wealthy, etc etc" - aka, they'd date a black man who was perfect.  But even then, they don't hold other white man to the same impossibly high standards.  In short - WHITE MEN WILL IGNORE A "PERFECT" MAN OF COLOR TO CHASE ANOTHER MEDIOCRE WHITE MAN.  

        (B). White people are always held up in the gay community as the “ideal” that all others should strive for, particularly in matters of relationships.  This rarely happens for people of color.  So we're not seen as people's husband material.  WHITE PEOPLE PUT US IN POSITIONS WHERE WE CONTINUALLY HAVE TO PROVE OUR WORTH, AND I FIND IT EXHAUSTING.  They can be dumb and basic as f*ck, and yet, they have become so accustomed to everyone placating their bad behavior, they no longer see it as an issue.  

                    (i) And yes, much of this might be subconscious or an unconscious bias!  The white men who are flaky and rude are used to being flaky and rude to everyone, but people of color have a much harder time on the gay scene, and they never factor this in when deciding how to treat us.  But yes, everyone should treat everyone with a basic level of respect and decency - and I wrote a book about it!  GO BUY IT!  But I would assert, and most people of color that I've interacted, feel like white people are shittier to them then they are to other white people.  (Again, I'll have more evidence and research in my next book.  But maybe take it on faith for the next month or two). 

        (C) Also, I’ve found sometimes white men use my positive attributes against me.  I’m proud of the fact that I’ve got a Doctorate from Harvard and that I wrote a book about gay ethics.  And I've been on a few dates where people have described me as "uppidy" for lack of a better word.  

5.  YOU WON’T BE FETISHIZED!  You know that in most interactions people will not fetishize you simply because of your race.  While few people say it, many white men have the attitude of “I’d shag a black guy, but I’d never want to bring them home to my parents.”  

Few people have said this to my face, but it has happened.  However, my white friends tell me that other whites confess this to them quite regularly: that they enjoy occasionally shagging a black guy, but they would never seriously consider dating one.  

6.  LACK OF RACIAL AWARENESS WILL NOT PUNISHED! Your ignorance of racism will never be punished.  You can be as stupid, clueless and moronic as you want to be, and for the most part, the vast majority of white people – including many gay men, will not punish you for your ignorance.  You can then exhibit white fragility and racially gaslight people of color and literally tell yourself “He didn’t prove racism to me, so he must not have a point.”  

        (A) White people love to racial gaslight black people.  If I, as a Harvard lawyer, can't argue racism exists in a palpable fashion to the ignorant white person, the white guy can shrug it off and not face a consequence.  This is an extremely heavy burden to place on black people.  WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO PROVE RACISM EXISTS TO STUPID WHITE PEOPLE.  AND IT'S EXHAUSTING!!!  

                    (i) It's exhausting, because I have to re-live my trauma constantly, lest this stupid white person won't agree that my REALITY is VALID.  Think about how draining that is.  It's FRUSTRATING to constantly be questioned about your reality.  

                    (ii) White people have the privilege of simply ignoring the truth.  They can ignore facts, testimony, and yet, even despite all the books that exist on critical race theory, they can shrug their shoulders and simply ignore the truth.  

                    (iii) IMAGINE, WHITE MEN, IF EVERYONE IN SOCIETY JUST PRETENDED HOMOPHOBIA DIDN'T EXIST!!!  You'd be furious.  (And yes, I'm aware that much of society did exactly this throughout most of history).  So imagine how frustrating it is for people of color.  

        (B) Also, as a black person, my ignorance of the other white person’s intentions can cause me very serious damage - both emotionally and even physically.  (See below).

7.  YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEAR PEOPLE WEAPONIZING THEIR WHITENESS! You can go into any social interaction and be confident that white people will not “weaponize their whiteness against you.”  This may be rare, but it does in deed happen.  Some white men are aware that people of color are deathly afraid of the police or other authority figures.  And so they prey on and scam people of color, knowing that if the person of color goes to the police, the police will not believe them.  Alternatively, they know that some people are so scared of the police, fearing for their safety, they won’t report the crime at all.   

        (A) Lest you think I'm being hyperbolic, let's talk about Ed Buck.  A rich white man in LA, who would intentionally target black gay men.  He would drug them to the point of death and then watch them die.  Black people tried to tell the local officials that Buck was only targeting black men, and no one did anything - until the SECOND BLACK MAN WAS MURDERED.  And even then, they only arrested Buck after a two black men were dead and a third man (whom Buck attempted to kill) came forward to accuse him!  Buck would target poor black men, because he knew that they wouldn't go to the police!  

https://www.advocate.com/crime/2020/9/26/ed-buck-accused-drugging-black-gay-men-death-denied-bail

        (B) This can happen in smaller ways, however.  White people have threatened me with statements like, “Piss me off, and I’ll get you banned from this club for life.”  While the white person who did this may not have intended to be racist, it’s a power play.  And it’s one that I as a black man will very ever rarely have.  

                    (i). Moreover, these types of incidents, if they escalated (and luckily for me, they never have) could involve the police, who might just shoot a black person first and ask questions later.  

So if you have all this privilege, what are you going to do about it?  Why be shitty to people of color who don’t have this privilege?  Why be a dick and flake out on them at the last second? 

Queer people of color have it way harder than you!  That’s not to say that all white people have it easy, but you have it easier than a black person in the same situation.  We endure abuse and sometimes acts of terror (and I’m not kidding) from white men.  It takes an extreme toll on our mental health.  And yes, sometimes many people of color simply withdraw from predominantly white gay culture in order to find spaces where they can be loved and affirmed, but this isn’t the reality for most queer people, particularly those that don’t live in cities with large enough ethnic populations to have black gay clubs and a black gay scene.  

So you should keep some of this in mind when you’re interacting with people of color.  Why make our lives harder than it already is?

I don't know when I'll finish my book on racism in the gay community, but if you'd like further reading, I can recommend the following book:  White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo