Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Inter-Racial Dating Pitfalls - The 4 Types of White Guys on Grindr

The Pitfalls of Inter-Racial Dating:
The Types of White Guys on Grindr

As the Grindr Surivr, I’d like to think I do a fair amount of work observing patterns in gay male behavior.  I look at myself, those that I date and my friends.  And while it’s anecdotal, I try to draw rules and experiences that can reach and inform everyone.  Few of my readers know what I look like or where I live.  And some have sent me very kind notes from far off places – I’ve got a few die-hard fans in Australia.  I’ve studied race relations at Harvard, where I achieved my doctor of laws degree.  But I think most of my ability to sense how people act comes from my training from professional life coaches and communication experts – like Jean Lloyd (whom you’ve seen on my Grindr Survivr Instagram).  Jean’s done a great job of training me to see through people’s bull shit.  And by and large, it works.  I’m really good at seeing through people’s BS excuses.  Don’t get me wrong, people still do things that hurt me.  They cancel at short notice.  They say hurtful things.  They ghost me.  But those incidents happen far less often than they did before I started writing Grindr Survivr.

But at times, I fear I’ve neglected the issue of racism in the gay community or neglected issues of white privilege and white fragility.  On one level, I want my work to be universal.  And I believe I can write about enough crazy dates that people from all ethnic backgrounds can find something that resonates with them.  However, at times, I need to express my experience as a person of color.  So here we go. 

The Four Types of White People on Grindr (only Two will be Discussed in this post)

Never Ever Whites:

These are the white people who would never date a non-white person, even if their life depended on it.  Now, I’m not saying they are all racist.  (But a lot of them are). But I freely admit I don’t have enough data to begin to wonder about certain percentages.  So I am not saying the majority of white gay men are racist.  But I’m saying there is a significant portion of the population of white gay men who subscribe to the “whites only” dating philosophy.  I shall leave the critiques of this philosophy to Josh Rivers and others, who can do it far better than I. 

But by and large, these people don’t cause me many problems on apps like Grindr.  They of course don’t message me.  And the most I’ll say on that horrid app is “Hey.” 

Try Not to Engage Never Ever Whites in Real Conversation
To explain, in general, I rarely say more than “Hey” for fear of reprisals and abuse from the Never Ever Whites.  These people know they have nothing to lose.  In fact, a large part of them “get off” emotionally on being rude to people who fancy them.  My first Grindr Commandment “Don’t be a Douche” is universal.  Everyone can identify with that.  In a sense, this one commandment can be easily perceived as trans-racial.  But it came from white people seemingly enjoying the fact of rejecting me in overt and offensive ways.    

So if you were to make a sincere effort with a Never Ever White, something like:

Hey, I saw you like video games.  I really like Call of Duty.  What’s your favorite?

The Never Ever White will now usually have one of three options.  (1) He’ll just ignore you.  And that’s the best option (or he might block you, which is the same).  (2) Second, he’ll feel guilty because he’s seen you’ve gone to the effort, and so he may try to engage you in light conversation, knowing it will never go anywhere. (3) or the effort will offend his never white attitude – in that your taking the time to be kind and make an effort will trigger his mindset of “How dare this ethnic person step to me.”  This person is likely to get nasty and he’s likely to say obnoxious things like “Go Back to Africa” etc etc.  (Yes, that has happened to me on multiple occasions) . 

These types of responses are extremely humiliating, and they’re hurtful, and they just suck.  But I can get over it fairly quickly.  As a non-white gay you don’t have a choice. But I freely admit, one major reason I don’t go out anymore is I prefer to stay away from as many Never Ever Whites as much I possibly can.  I consider that one of my top life goals.  Because you never know when these shady queens will spout out some racist shit to ruin your day.  But as much as I hate the Never Ever Whites, the second category is far more pernicious. 

I’d Fuck a Black Guy, But… (IFBGB) Whites:

(Please note that you could swap Asian/Latino/or any other racial group in that category)
But this second group don’t limit themselves to never having sex with a person of color.  It’s just not their top choice, nor will it ever be.  And this category falls into two camps:

  • I'd fuck a black guy, but I'd never date one 
  • I'd fuck a black guy, but I haven't met the "right one" - aka, they haven't met the "perfect black guy"
I would assert that this second category of IFBGB for short are far more problematic and pernicious than the Never Ever Whites.  As white people slowly get the hint that it’s not okay to say and do racist things online, at least in my own experience, I am seeing less overtly racist messages today than I did three or four years ago.  The Never Ever Whites are learning to shut the fuck up and keep their close-minded views to themselves. 

But the IFBGB’s can be more dangerous, because, in their minds, they don’t believe they are biased against racial minorities.  They "can’t be racist," so they can't harbor any problematic views.  They compare themselves to the Never Ever Whites and they pat themselves on the back.  They say “Well, I can’t be racist if I sat on that big black cock once, right?”  “I’m not one of the Never Ever’s, so I must inherently be good and enlightened.” 

Because they are willing to occasionally shag an ethnic minority, they can’t comprehend that they still have many unconscious biases or they may dehumanize potential sex partners by viewing the ethnic minority gays as sex objects.
What’s also problem is the IFBFB’s never bother to actually ask actual black people if their views are problematic. 
It’s the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy.  If they engage in rushed sexual encounters then run away, they never have to interact long enough to stumble onto the fact that their views might be problematic.

The sad truth is that Blacks/Asians will never be good enough to date the IFBGB white people.  They’ll use us in a pinch when nothing else is available, for example, when you’re next door at 2AM.  But they will never see our good qualities, see what we have to offer as potential boyfriends or life-partners.  They are completely unwilling or unable to see us more than anything than overgrown flesh-lights.  Our ethnic bodies are there to serve these white men, and we should feel happy to be used and subsequently discarded – because hey, they gave us a shag when the Never Ever’s wouldn’t.  In a way, the IFBGB mentality more “imperialist/colonialist” than the Never Ever Whites.  The Never Ever’s just want to be left along (not always, see Trump supporters, but you get the gist).  The IFBGB’s want to use you and then want you to thank them for the opportunity to be used by a white person, or at the least validate their own preconceived notion that they have no racial hangups. 

Martin Luther King said he preferred the overt segregation of the Deep South in the United States to the unofficial segregation in the North, because he knew which places to avoid in the South: the signs were openly displayed on the front door.  I have to say I feel the same way in the gay dating context.  I would rather be very clear on who would Never Ever date me as opposed to who might use me, while telling me that they were open to hypothetically dating me. 

Let’s take a moment to discuss the “I’d Fuck a black guy, but I haven’t met the ‘right one’ to date.”  I won’t for a moment say that context doesn’t play a key role in this.  Someone white could genuinely be open to dating people of different races, but they live in an area or region of the world that doesn’t allow this.  But if you live in New York, LA, London, Paris etc – the big major gay scenes of the world, this excuse is completely hollow and full of shit.  Because I can all but guarantee a myriad of ethnic people approached these guys, some of whom had professional degrees, great bodies, great personalities etc.  So what’s stopping them? 

Let’s compare this phenomenon to when HR managers are reviewing two candidates with the same qualifications: one has a “black sounding name” and the other has a “white” name.  Studies show that HR managers will look for reasons to cross off people like Shaniqua.  They’ll literally find flaws where none exist, or they will make mountains out of mole-hills.  But they will forgive similar flaws, if not twist them into strengths when looking at “Sally’s” application. 

The IFBGB-2 whites tell themselves, “I’m so open-minded.  I don’t have any implicit bias issues, because I’m open to dating them – I just can’t meet the perfect one. I’m such a good liberal white.”  But they’re completely blind to the fact they are using literally “perfection” as their dating criteria.  If the ethnic suitor has any minor flaw or engages in the most minor social faux pas, no matter how small, he’ll be dismissed as “not the right fit for me.”  The IFBGB-2 will then communicate to his ethnic suitor "you didn't measure up."  But in reality, the minor flaw was merely a fig leaf to hide the fact that they never wanted to date a non-white person in the first place.  (Moreover, dollars to donuts, if we went through these white guys phones and looked through white people he had been dating, I can find that they gave far less attractive white guys passes with many more major personality flaws).
This happened to me not too long ago.  I met this white guy, and he bravely shared about his battle with testicular cancer.  I tried to be supportive.  I said something like “Wow. That takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be so open with me like that.  That really gives me a new side to your depth.”  He took that as “Oh, so I’m boring other than my cancer.”
SMH!  So, my first instinct would be this guy is just a moron, but he’s actually a fairly smart and successful guy. 

But what’s more likely.  Me, in trying to be supportive, accidentally implied that he was boring/annoying.  You guys read my books and blog posts, so you know that that is a very small likelihood.  OR…. He knew he didn’t want to date me, but he needed a fig leaf that would cover his implicit biases and white fragility.  The sad truth, racially tinged or not, if people are looking for reasons to cross you off of their list, they will INVENT something.  If you send a guy flowers he’ll say “You’re smothering me.”  the IFBGB's will give you no grace: you get no room to make mistakes, no room to be human.  They judge you by an impossible standard, and then dare to smirk and tell you that you didn't measure up.  For IFBGB-2’s, there is no mole-hill that can't be magnified into a mountain of flaws, because otherwise, they would have to confront the truth that they just don’t want to date anyone who’s not white. 

No matter how big your muscles are, no matter how good you are in bed, no matter how smart you are, or no matter how much you liked them, you will never be “good enough” in their eyes.  You can never be more than a casual toy to be used by them.  And their white fragility will stop them from ever contemplating as to why “they can never seem to find the perfect negro.”  And the magic of white privilege is that they will never have to.

How to Avoid the IFBGB’s:

The technique below is rather simple, although it will likely prompt a white fragility attack – but so what.  I’m not trying to be any white guy’s sex toy. 
If a white man propositions you for sex or a date, just ask this simple question:

Have you ever dated a [black/Asian] guy before?

Note – I said DATED – as to imply a relationship.  Now, keep in mind, most IFBGB’s have severe cases of white fragility.  And this will trigger them.  But this is a good thing.  (Only the IFBGB will get triggered.)  Never Ever Whites won’t care that the answer is no. 

The ultimate answer would be, “Yeah, my previous boyfriend was black, and the one before him was Asian.”  Getting some response like that is good thing.  It shows you that they are not a Never Ever White or an IFBGB. (NOTE: That doesn’t mean he’s not a slut.).

But if they say “Well, I’ve fucked a black guy but never dated one…” RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.  I’m kidding, I’m gay guy who likes to be dramatic.  Now that you have read this article, you get to choose.  You now know there is a high risk that no matter how awesome you are, they’ll never appreciate it.

Context Still Matters
Now, before my white readers scream and cry, there are some valid contexts/reasons that you should consider giving serious thought to with regards to why they haven't dated a non-white person before. 

For example, if the person came from a place that has no black people…. Like if I met a guy from Lithuania, I wouldn’t ask that question, because I know the country has zero black folks. 

If the person has recently only “come out” and doesn’t know what the truly wants with regards to sex and dating, that’s another valid option.  (That doesn’t work for me, as I’m looking for dates and relationships).  

Maybe someone had an Asian boyfriend but never a black boyfriend… This is perfectly valid.

The point of this is blog post is to WARN my readers.  Keep your eyes OPEN!  Don’t agree to do anything that will compromise your emotional health and well-being (particularly if the guy ghosts or blocks you the next day).

And don’t be nasty to anyone who says they’ve never dated a black guy before.  That doesn’t mean they are racist, technically. The key is to be WARNED.  Go in with your eyes wide open and don’t do anything that would compromise your emotional health.

Some Concluding Thoughts:

It occurred to me that these first two categories of white guys: The Never-Ever's and the "I'd Fuck a Black Guy but..." are the exact same two types of white people who protest that people have asked for the pride flag to be changed to include black and brown stripes.  

These are the same types of people who deny that white privilege exists, while simultaneously melting down about it and blaming black people for "being the problem" (and thus becoming white fragility incarnate).  

These are the type of people who whine about people of color creating a "black pride" that doesn't include them or make them feel safe, while never even considering how the white-dominated gay culture that they themselves patronize, contribute to, perpetrate and revel in makes a great deal of us (who aren't white) feel like shit!   The fact is: they LOVE things the way that they are.  And their egos are so fragile, they really don't want to be reminded of the fact that others aren't benefiting from that level of privilege.  

This is one reason I find so many white gays infuriating.  What are we to do?  Honestly... I want a Never-Ever white to tell me, what are people of color supposed to do on the gay scene?  Seriously... Answer me this!  
  • If we protest the lack of representation in gay culture, you freak out, react negatively and tell us we're imagining things, and that we should just deal with it.  (Let's just call that freaking out for short)  
  • If we create our own pride (or other institution that's not so racist), you freak out.  
  • If we tell you off for saying ridiculously offensive stuff, you freak out.  
  • If we call out your privilege or your white fragility, you freak out.  
The sad truth is, at best, you're highly indifferent as to whether we exist in "your gay scene."  At worst, you don't want us there at all.  And if we dane to exist in your perfect little white world, you want us to stay meek, humble, silent and ever so grateful if you acknowledge our presence at all. 

And for the IFBGB's you want us to feel grateful for the fact that you decided to treat us like a science experiment or you decided to use as as a 3AM booty call when no one white was around.  Forgive me for not kissing your feet at the opportunity to be used as your last choice in the middle of the night.  Sorry, massa, but you "gracing me" with your presence (or your mere toleration of mine) does not instill gratitude.  


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